Kirk Ferentz and the Football Factory

By hawk6894 on August 30, 2016 at 4:01 pm
Oh, you've won Big Ten Coach of the Year once? Tell me more.


ethan icon   I’ve been waiting for this for so long. Pretty much my whole life.

i don't want your life   I want to go in right now.

rip   Yeah, let us in.

nerds   Is the press going to be here for this?

son in law   No, this is just a normal visit. No cameras. No med- wait here he comes.

kirk somersault

wonka   Are we ready?

son in law   Aw… dad.

Inside the Iowa Football Complex

wonka   Gentlemen, I present to you: the practice field.

practice facility

ethan icon   Wow!

i don't want your life   Out of my way.

The recruits all sprint down to the field

wonka   Come with me, and you’ll be in a world of pure imagination.

            Take a look and you’ll see, every stretch run from A-to-Z

            If you want to view paradise.

           Simply look around and view it.

           Anything you want to, do it.

          Want to punt from the opponent’s 40?

          There’s nothing to it.

son   Daaaaaaaaaaad.

ethan icon   This place is huge.

wonka   It has everything you could want for an indoor facility. For us, it really is like a paradise. About the only down side you can think of, is that you can’t eat the place like Hansel and Gretel’s house.

Ferentz turns to find prized recruit August Muck trying to take a big bite out of the practice field turf.

son   What the hell are you doing?

ethan icon   It looked like shave coconut, I swear. Uhhh, it doesn’t taste like coconut. Ohhhhhhh my stomach. Oh it burns.

Ferentz pulls out a walkie-talkie

wonka   Yeah, this is Eagle 1, we got another guy trying to eat the turf.

Suddenly the garage door shoots up

greg loompa
rip   What the hell is that?
wonka   That’s Greg Davis, he’s the offensive coordinator. He’s from Loompaland, you know: Texas
rip   I mean, why does he loo-

son   Tanning bed accident.

rip   Ohhhhhhhh.

loompa   Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee doo

             I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you

            Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee dee

            If you are wise you’ll listen to me

            What do you get when you guzzle down turf?

           Eating something that only resembles the earth

           Why would you even consider this field to be food?

           You’d never survive as a Hawkeye.

wonka   (gives Davis a dirty look)    That last line didn’t rhyme.

loompa   Doo-pa-dee doo…d

wonka   Better. Alright, let’s keep going, we have so much left to see.

The tour continues into a meeting room

wonka   Here is where you’ll meet with your position coaches. Here, have a seat. Now, we’re going to try something different this year and I want you guys to get an early look. But I need to stress this: do not let this information fall into the wrong hands.

son   (under his breath)     Harbaugh.

wonka   Now, if you’ll look at this slide, you’ll see we are lined up with two tight ends on one side and a flank- Hey what are you doing?

rip   I’m making a Vine for Twitter. Wait, do you want me to Snapchat this instead?

wonka   (Into walkie-talkie)    Get him out of here.

rip   What? What? You’re throwing me out?  Greg Davis appears at the door.

Seriously? Fine I’m out of here. Hey, get your hands off of me, Orange-face.

loompa   Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee do

             I’ve got another puzzle for you

             Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee dee

             If you are wise you you’ll listen to me

            Social media is fine when it’s once in a while

            It provides insight into your life, it makes people smile

           But it’s repulsive, revolting and wrong

           Tweeting and tweeting all day long.

           So off you go your tour is through

           Looks at a glowering Ferentz

          Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee doo.

wonka   Well, that’s enough here. Off we go.

The group stands in the hallway by a closet door.

wonka   Now this is one of the smaller rooms in the facility, but some will call this pay dirt.

Ferentz opens the door to a mountain of footballs

i don't want your life   Holy shit.

son   Yeah, pretty impressive right?

i don't want your life   Coach, you’re gonna let me have a free ball right?

wonka   No, no, no. We need those for practice throughout the season. Alright, let’s get out of here and head to ---

i don't want your life   No coach, you don’t understand. I want one of those footballs. And I want it now.

wonka   If you sign here, you will have plenty of opportunities to hold a ball. Now let---

Vernon Pepper though will not take no for an answer. He sprints over to the nearest pile of footballs and grabs a handful. Just as a group of security guards grab him and pull him away.

son   What the hell was that?

wonka   He was a bad egg.

son   Well there’s just two of us left, do we have any place else to g---

wonka   Not yet, just wait.

Thirty seconds go by until...

loompa   I got here as fast as I could. Wait, is he gone already?

wonka   Yeah, they hauled him out about two minutes ago.

loompa   Oh well, I’ll get back to work.

wonka   Grreeeeeegggggg.

loompa   Sigh. Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee doo. I’ve got another puzzle for you.

             Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee dee.

             If you are wise you’ll listen to me.

            Who do you blame when your kid wants the ball?

            Pouting and whining until he finally gets the call.

           We spread the ball around, everyone gets a view

           Now that even includes freshmen. Doo-pa-dee doo.

wonka   I love this guy. Well, this tour has lost three really bad children, but fortunately we still have two good children right here.

son   I’m 33 years old.

wonka   Ahh, here we are. This is a treat. Here is a small studio where we record clips for the scoreboard.

nerds   Holy crap, a green screen. This is amazing. I cannot wait to show my stuff as a Hawkeye, talk to the world.

wonka   Well technically, I don’t really allow most of my true freshmen to talk with the media.

nerds   What?

wonka   You’re not ready for that kind of grilling from the Iowa media.

nerds   And the clips?

wonka   We film them in about one afternoon. Each guy gets about two minutes to do whatever. But I do have a list of no-nos:

No dancing

No hand signals

No winking

No pec bouncing

No smiling where we can see more than 12 of your teeth

No hats

No mutton chops

And… and… there’s always one I miss.

Oh yeah no dabbing.

Mike? Mike?

son   He’s gone.

wonka   Gone?

son   Yeah, he walked out.

loompa   This time I got a good one:

             Oompa Loompa doo-pa-dee do

             I’ve got another puzz-

wonka   (to Brian)    Let’s get out of here.

The two Ferentz boys enter an elevator.

wonka   Well, I guess that means that you win.

son  Wait, what? Win what?

wonka   You’re my successor now. You beat out everybody else.

son   Wait, you used this recruiting visit to select a successor?

wonka   Yep.

son   High school kids.

wonka   Yeah, now that I am hearing it out loud... it doesn’t sound as good. Anyway, you’re the guy. Congrats.

son   Thanks.

wonka   You know… there is one button in this elevator that has never been pressed. Gestures to a red button That is, until now. Go ahead.

son   Dad, what did you do?

wonka   You’ll see… press the button.

Brian presses the button. And the elevator screeches to a halt.

son   I think that was just the emergency stop button.

wonka  (taking off hat)    Yeah. Yeah, that probably makes more sense.

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