Jamie Pollard Looks for a Replacement Game

By Patrick Vint on September 12, 2018 at 12:16 pm
Jamie, back again

Jamie Pollard

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Jamiekins   North Dakota...

Jamiekins  No.

Jamiekins  South Dakota...

Jamiekins  No.

Jamiekins  North Dakota State...

Jamiekins  Scoreboard

Jamiekins  Oh heck no.

Jamiekins  East Dakota...

Jamiekins  East Dakota...

Jamiekins  SECRETARY

Secretary  Yes, Mr. Pollard?

Jamiekins  Is there an East Dakota?

Secretary  Uh, I don't know.

Jamiekins  Well, get me the athletic director from East Dakota.

Secretary  I will, sir.  And you have a call on Line One.

Jamiekins  Thank you, Secretary.

Jamiekins  Iowa State Athletics, where a rain cancellation is a tie and a tie is a win!  Jamie Pollard speaking!

Drake  Jamie, it's Drake.

Jamiekins  Drake, like the university?

Drake  Uhhhh...sorta.  This is Drake, the rap artist.

Jamiekins  Oh!  You mean the guy from Degrassi High!   What's up?  Go Raptors!

Drake  Yes, yes, thanks.

Drake  You might not know this, Jamie, but I'm the new athletic director at Drake.

Jamiekins  Drake is the new athletic director at Drake?

Drake  Yeah, who didn't see that coming?

Jamiekins  Well, we're glad to have you in Iowa, FOR SHIZZLE!

Drake  Heh heh

Jamiekins  GET IT?  SNOOP DOGG!

Drake  Yes, Jamie, it was clever.

Drake  [eye roll audible over telephone]

Jamiekins  So, what can I do for Drake, Drake?

Drake  Well, Jamie, the truth is...

Drake  I'm upset.

Jamiekins  I wouldn't know how that feels.  To be part of an upset, you have to be favored in a game.

Drake  Well, I need to get my football team a paid game in order to pay the bills, but all I've gotten back is a free trip to Nashville to play Vanderbilt.

Drake  Free trip to Nashville?  It's disrespect.

Drake  I was so offended I had to double check.

Drake  I'ma always take the money over SECs.

Drake  That's why they need me out the way.

Drake  What do they expect?

Drake  So anyway, I saw that you had a game cancelled, and I wanted to make you an off--

Jamiekins  One million dollars.

Drake  I beg your...uh...what?

Jamiekins  One million dollars.  One game.  Iowa State-Drake.

Drake  Wow.  That's...well, that's generous.  I accept.

Jamiekins  What date should we play?

Drake  Well, I need to talk with my coaches, but we need to make this quick.

Drake  Here's what I want you to do, because this is how I handle my business.

Drake  I'm going to send you a burner phone.

Jamiekins  Ooh!  That sounds criminal!

Jamiekins  Hashtag The Wire Season Three

Drake  I want you to keep that phone on you at all times.

Drake  And I will call you on that cell phone

Drake  When I know that we can shove

Drake  Call you on that cell phone

Drake  When I know that we can shove

Drake  That way, when that hotline bling

Drake  It can only be one thing

Drake  That way when that hotline bling

Drake  We are getting in the ring

Drake  Your secretary will bring it into your office --

Secretary  Mr. Pollard?  I got this phone in the mail.

Drake  --now.

Jamiekins  Wow.  That is some impressive stuff, Drake.

Jamiekins  That is like magic.

Drake  We got a deal?

Jamiekins  We've got a deal.  Call me when you have a date.


-- Two nights later, Pollard's burner phone rings at 3 a.m. --

Jamiekins Iowa State athletics, Jamie Pollard speaking. I was just dreaming of bowl eligibility.

Drake  Jamie, it's Drake...from...Drake.

Jamiekins  Yeah, Drake.  Why are you calling this late?  Do you have a date we can play this game?

Drake  Naw, Jamie.  This is way more important.

Jamiekins  Oh!  [sits up in bed]

Jamiekins  OK, what can I do for you.

Drake  Well, I'm calling from the studio, and sorry about the time of this call, but I need some help.

Drake  I'm recording a remix of my hit song "I'm Angry" and I've hit a wall.

Drake  I need a rhyme, and I hope you can provide it.

Drake  Help me out and you'll get a songwriting credit worth more than Hilton.

Jamiekins  Wow!  OK, what's the lyric.

Drake  Remember, the song is about how I am angry.

Jamiekins  Got it.

Drake  Really mad, like beyond belief.

Jamiekins  Yeah, I get the premise.

Drake  Like there is nothing that will make me happy.

Jamiekins  Yes, yes.  Get on with it.

Drake  OK, here it is:

Drake  Got a lot of blood and it's cold

Drake  They keep tryin' a get me for my soul

Drake  They talk at me but they don't even know

Drake  That I am so...

Jamiekins  So...

Jamiekins  Frustrated?

Drake  That doesn't rhyme, Jamie.

Jamiekins  Irate?

Drake  It has to rhyme, Pollard. C'mon, man.

Jamiekins  They talk at me but they don't even know

Jamiekins  That I am so...

Jamiekins  Oh!  I got it!

Jamiekins  THEY TALK AT ME BUT THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW

Jamiekins  THAT I AM SO

Jamiekins  INCONSOLABLE

Drake  HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Brian Ferentz  DAMN RIGHT YOU'RE INCONSOLABLE

Brian Ferentz  THIRTEEN THREE

Brian Ferentz  THIRTEEN THREE

Brian Ferentz  ENJOY JANUARY IN AMES

Brian Ferentz  B FERENTZ OUT

Jamiekins  Pollard

Jamiekins   [is inconsolable]

--  Meanwhile, at Iowa's football offices --

Brian Ferentz  Oh man, that was so great.

Brian Ferentz  Wasn't it great, Dad?

Brian Ferentz  Dad?

Sleepy Kirk  zzzzzzzzzzzz

Brian Ferentz  AW MAN, I FINALLY GOT POLLARD AND NOBODY SAW IT

Stern Barta  I saw it.

Stern Barta  It...was...

Happy BartaHappy Gary

Happy Barta  AWESOME

Happy Barta  Congrats, COACH IN WAITING

Brian Ferentz Oh man, this is going to be amazing.

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