FRAN MCCAFFERY GETS THE BAD NEWS

By Adam Jacobi on February 28, 2019 at 10:05 am
Frown McCaffery
22 Comments

SCENE: A spacious, well-decorated office in Eastern Iowa on a Wednesday morning. A tall, gray-haired man sits alone at his desk with the door closed. He's not happy, as last night was a very bad night, and he knows he'll be hearing about it.

The sluggish winter light filters through the blinds. It is nearly March, but outside and in, the sun melts no snow. 

The phone rings.

Phoney McHappy   RING

Phoney McHappy   RING

Fran Stare   [picks up phone] This is Fran.

Happy Barta   [with a preposterous baritone] Fran, this is Gary Barta. I'm very mad at you, and and and you're fired. You said a bad word and you're fired. Pack your things and go, right now. 

Happy Barta   [barely stifled giggle]

Fran Stare   Shut up.

Happy Barta   W--what?

Fran Stare   I said shut up, Jamie. You're the worst prank caller ever. You're wasting my time. 

Jamiekins   No, this is Gary—

Fran Stare   Hang up and shut up.

Jamiekins   Jamie Pollard Up Close Inconsolable

Fran Stare   [click]

Fran Stare   Good lord.

Ten minutes later...

Phoney McHappy   RING RING RING

Fran Stare   [picks up phone] This is Fran.

Happy Barta   Fran, hello, Gary Barta here. Your boss. I've just spoken to the Big Ten and we agree you are suspended for the season.

Fran Stare   ...

Happy Barta   And your sons have to come to Iowa State. Right now.

Fran Stare   Jamie, I told you to hang the hell up and shut the hell up. Now is not the time and I am not the one.

Fran Stare   [click]

Jamiekins   Jamie Pollard Up Close Inconsolable

Fran Stare   Doesn't he have a real job?

Five minutes later... 

Phoney McHappy   RING DING DONG

Phoney McHappy   RING A DING

Phoney McHappy   DING DING DONG

Fran Stare   This is Fran.

Happy Barta   Hi Fran, this is Gary Barta again.

Fran Stare   Again?

Happy Barta   I mean, for the first time. You're suspended for two games.

Fran Stare   HANG UP THE PHONE AND PUT IT UP YOUR OWN ASS, JAMIE.

Phoney McHappy   Sad Phone

Fran Stare   [click]

Jamiekins   Jamie Pollard Up Close Inconsolable

Like 30 seconds later...

Phoney McHappy   RIIIIIIIIING PICK ME UP I'M A PHONE

Fran Stare   You've got to be kidding me.

Fran Stare   [picks up phone] WHAT NOW.

Happy Barta   ...it's Gary.

Fran Stare   I BET.

Happy Barta   OK? Anyway, I just talked to the Big Ten, and they're going to fine the school $10,000. I'm not really happy about that, but I understand frustration happens so if you offer to pay half of that fine and make a quick statement later today, I'm inclined to think we can stand with that and move forward. It's been a rough week for me and I don't need more static, you know?

Fran Stare   OH PLEASE.

Happy Barta What?

Fran Stare   LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THESE CALLS FROM YOU. YOU'RE THE WORST ATHLETIC DIRECTOR I KNOW, YOU'RE RUNNING A SECOND-RATE ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT THAT THE REST OF THE CONFERENCE LAUGHS AT, AND YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME AND ATTENTION. 

Happy Barta   ...

Fran Stare   ...IN FACT THE ONLY THING I REGRET IS CALLING THE REFEREE A MOTHERFUCKER INSTEAD OF YOU.

Happy Barta   ...excuse the fuuuck out of me?

Fran Stare   ...Jamie?

Happy Barta    Barta Frown

Fran Stare   Fran Stare Big

Fran Stare   Oh, shit.

CUT TO: PRESS CONFERENCE

Happy Barta   In addition to the $10,000 fine levied by the Big Ten, which Fran here has offered to pay in full on Iowa's behalf, the University has decided to suspend him for two games. 

Happy Barta   Not really happy about that, but here we are.

Lisa Bluder   You know you have the best basketball team in 25 years on campus right now, right?

Happy Barta   Hush.

Lisa Bluder   And we haven't had a real scandal in forever.

Happy Barta   I said hush!

Lisa Bluder   You say a lot of things.

Media Reporter Hand   Fran! The male coach! Coach right here! Coach McCaffery, your thoughts on the incident???

Fran Stare   Well, obviously I let my emotions get the best of me, I let my frustrations out in a way that wasn't productive, took things out on the wrong person. As a coach it's on me to be more sensitive to who's making the calls and guide myself accordingly. I take full responsibility for that. 

Fran Stare   Fran Frown 2

Media Reporter Hand   So you regret calling the referee a cheater?

Fran Stare   Hm? The what now?

BACK IN AMES...

Jamiekins   Secretary! Secretary, look!

Secretary   Yes, Jamie.

Jamiekins   They suspended him for two games after I said they should suspend him for two games! I did a phone prank!

Secretary   But you didn't really...

Jamiekins   I successfully phone pranked Iowa!!!

Secretary   but

Jamiekins   JAMIE POLLARD RIDES AGAIN YEEEEEEEEEHAW!

Secretary   Just because we have horses wandering our backwoods hickville campus doesn't make you a cowboy!

Jamiekins   This is so much better than beating the Hawkeyes at anything that matters!!!!!

22 Comments
View 22 Comments