SCENE: A spacious, well-decorated office in Eastern Iowa on a Wednesday morning. A tall, gray-haired man sits alone at his desk with the door closed. He's not happy, as last night was a very bad night, and he knows he'll be hearing about it.
The sluggish winter light filters through the blinds. It is nearly March, but outside and in, the sun melts no snow.
The phone rings.
[picks up phone] This is Fran.
[with a preposterous baritone] Fran, this is Gary Barta. I'm very mad at you, and and and you're fired. You said a bad word and you're fired. Pack your things and go, right now.
[barely stifled giggle]
I said shut up, Jamie. You're the worst prank caller ever. You're wasting my time.
No, this is Gary—
Hang up and shut up.
Ten minutes later...
RING RING RING
[picks up phone] This is Fran.
Fran, hello, Gary Barta here. Your boss. I've just spoken to the Big Ten and we agree you are suspended for the season.
And your sons have to come to Iowa State. Right now.
Jamie, I told you to hang the hell up and shut the hell up. Now is not the time and I am not the one.
Doesn't he have a real job?
Five minutes later...
RING DING DONG
RING A DING
DING DING DONG
This is Fran.
Hi Fran, this is Gary Barta again.
I mean, for the first time. You're suspended for two games.
HANG UP THE PHONE AND PUT IT UP YOUR OWN ASS, JAMIE.
Like 30 seconds later...
RIIIIIIIIING PICK ME UP I'M A PHONE
You've got to be kidding me.
[picks up phone] WHAT NOW.
OK? Anyway, I just talked to the Big Ten, and they're going to fine the school $10,000. I'm not really happy about that, but I understand frustration happens so if you offer to pay half of that fine and make a quick statement later today, I'm inclined to think we can stand with that and move forward. It's been a rough week for me and I don't need more static, you know?
LIKE I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON. I'M SICK AND TIRED OF THESE CALLS FROM YOU. YOU'RE THE WORST ATHLETIC DIRECTOR I KNOW, YOU'RE RUNNING A SECOND-RATE ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT THAT THE REST OF THE CONFERENCE LAUGHS AT, AND YOU'RE WASTING MY TIME AND ATTENTION.
...IN FACT THE ONLY THING I REGRET IS CALLING THE REFEREE A MOTHERFUCKER INSTEAD OF YOU.
...excuse the fuuuck out of me?
CUT TO: PRESS CONFERENCE
In addition to the $10,000 fine levied by the Big Ten, which Fran here has offered to pay in full on Iowa's behalf, the University has decided to suspend him for two games.
Not really happy about that, but here we are.
You know you have the best basketball team in 25 years on campus right now, right?
And we haven't had a real scandal in forever.
I said hush!
You say a lot of things.
Fran! The male coach! Coach right here! Coach McCaffery, your thoughts on the incident???
Well, obviously I let my emotions get the best of me, I let my frustrations out in a way that wasn't productive, took things out on the wrong person. As a coach it's on me to be more sensitive to who's making the calls and guide myself accordingly. I take full responsibility for that.
So you regret calling the referee a cheater?
Hm? The what now?
BACK IN AMES...
Secretary! Secretary, look!
They suspended him for two games after I said they should suspend him for two games! I did a phone prank!
But you didn't really...
I successfully phone pranked Iowa!!!
JAMIE POLLARD RIDES AGAIN YEEEEEEEEEHAW!
Just because we have horses wandering our backwoods hickville campus doesn't make you a cowboy!
This is so much better than beating the Hawkeyes at anything that matters!!!!!