Late Saturday night, the news broke that ESPN’s College GameDay would be visiting Ames for the first time in the history of the program. The decision was likely made since Iowa is ranked and Iowa State, uh…used to be ranked before needing three OTs to beat an FCS team and then taking a week off (because even the pros get two weeks to prepare for the Super Bowl).
With the announcement being made, everyone’s first thought was “Who will be the guest picker?” College GameDay traditionally has an alumnus or someone popular associated with the school they’re visiting appear to make game predictions. Iowa State’s problem is that their most famous alumnus, George Washington Carver, has been deceased since 1943, and Fred Hoiberg is coaching a historical school rival in Nebraska.
Despite this fact, we came up with a nice list of potential guest pickers for College GameDay and want your help in voting to figure out who might ultimately get the call. We’ll vote on 10 options today, 10 options tomorrow, a Final Four on Thursday, and on Friday the lucky winner will be announced! Best of luck to all of the candidates!
Region Three: The Iowa State Dignitaries Bracket
1. Larry Eustachy
Who could forget the original Captain Partyballs?
Eustachy was at one point, the highest paid employee in the State of Iowa and a rising star in the college basketball world. He led Iowa State to arguably their greatest season ever, making the Elite Eight in 2000, and followed it up with Big 12 regular season championship (but you might remember this happening later). A couple years later, after a loss to Missouri, Larry went out and partied with a bunch of kids in Columbia, got photos taken of him and unfortunately, they were published in The Des Moines Register. Turned out that this wasn’t the first time he’d done something like this, going to a frat party in the Little Apple following a loss to Kansas State. He also paid his players, to which the NCAA shrugged, and Eustachy ended up at Southern Miss a year after resigning at Iowa State.
To this day he remains Iowa State’s hardest partier and dammit, they need guys like him at College GameDay.
2. David Irving
Speaking of unfortunate pictures, defensive lineman David Irving found himself in trouble after this photo surfaced of him partaking in a riot during Iowa State’s final VIESHA. It isn’t really a party until someone rips a stop sign out of the ground, so why not invite Irving to get shit started on Saturday?
3. Cael Sanderson
What is it with Iowa State wrestling alumni having to go elsewhere to become the greatest coaches of all time? Cael would relish the opportunity to actually be around an Iowa State team beating Iowa because, y’know, he never could. Actually you know what this would never happen because someone remains INCONSOLABLE:
4. Darren Davis
Iowa State could invite Troy Davis, one of the most impressive running backs of the 1990s and arguably the most squandered talent in their program history. A guy who, in 1995, rushed for 2,010 yards on 345 attempts (5.8 YPC) and 15 touchdowns on a 3-8 football team. A guy who in 1996, rushed for 2,185 yards on 402 attempts (5.4 YPC) and 21 touchdowns on a 2-9 football team. They could do that.
Or they could invite his brother, Darren, who will always be remembered for having the lowest Wonderlic score in profressional football history: 4. Like a lot of guys from Iowa State during the Dan McCarney era, Darren didn’t come to Ames to play school.
5. Dr. Cuddlekins
How many of you lonely ladies out there are looking for love? Looking for someone out there like a sensitive lover who enjoys nothing more than frolicking around on Jack Trice’s world class turf? There are millions, literally millions of lonely bovine in Ames, Iowa and Dr. Cuddlekins would be the perfect matchmaker. Heck, instead of doing game picks, why don’t they do some matchmaking with the good Doctor?
In case you were wondering, he got his PhD in suidae insemination.
So who wins Region Three? You can only vote for one!
Region Four: The Sad Iowa State Things Bracket
1. Gene Chizik's Coin
Shit, why do they even need a live person making picks?
You might recall that prior to Gene Chizik even coaching a game for the Cyclones, commemorative coins were printed in his honor. When they were first released they sold for $15. Lately, they go for $2.
So, instead of a person why not just flip the saddest coin in human history?
Or would that be the Greg McDermott coin?
2. The Black Guy Photoshopped into the Iowa State Course Guide
Nothing quite says “diversity” like Ames, Iowa, so why not call on a famous black guy like Marcus Jamison, who was photoshopped into the Iowa State course guide back in 2001?
3. The Hooray Ames Drummer
Back in 2014, a local music group created a song and video promoting Ames, called “Hooray for Ames.” It was…something. It was pretty Iowa State-centric and is most memorable for promoting Ames’s terrific water. The song was written by Todd Stevens, the drummer shown above, who eerily resembles Ice Cube in that photograph.
In fairness to Stevens, this isn’t the worst music video to come out of Ames, as that would be Matt Campbell’s Advocare commercial titled "Grind for Greatness", which has unfortunately been wiped off the face of the Internet. We’ll always have the screenshots though:
Flipping tires in dress slacks? Fuck yeah Matt Campbell get some.
4. Insane Clown Posse
There’s a special connection between Iowa State and Insane Clown Posse, as Iowa State fans are insane for dedicating so much time to a team that has historically beclowned itself on the football field for over a century. Between the bad makeup, poor dress, lack of showering and fanaticism over something so terrible, isn’t every Iowa State fan really a Juggalo at heart?
5. This McDonald's Tweet
El oh fucking el.
So who wins Region Four? You can only vote once!