By Mike Jones on September 17, 2019 at 2:08 pm
go nate go
© Reese Strickland-USA TODAY Sports

AMES, IA – In a stunning display of camaraderie and magnanimity, Iowa State Athletic Director Jamie Pollard announced that Iowa quarterback Nate Stanley will be elected to the Iowa State Athletics Hall of Fame. From the Iowa State press conference:

In honor of Nate Stanley’s tremendous success at Jack Trice Stadium, we feel it is only right to enshrine him among some of the greatest players in Iowa State history. With his two victories, Stanley has amassed more wins over Big 12 teams at Jack Trice than Steele Jantz, Grant Rohach, Sam B. Richardson, Joel Lanning, Jacob Park and Zeb Noland did in their respective starting careers. His 534 passing yards, a combined six touchdowns and zero interceptions are something every Iowa State quarterback should strive for. What is most impressive is his lack of turnovers, something a Cyclone quarterback hasn’t managed in a Cy-Hawk game at Jack Trice Stadium in over twenty years. This is a well-deserved honor and we are happy to see him in his final year of eligibility…

"so proud"

Mr. Pollard then paused at the podium to dig through his notes before looking up with a confused expression, addressing onlookers again:

“Wait…who is Spencer Peetras? … Petras? He’s only a redshirt freshman? 4-stars? 6’5? What is this shit?!”

At that point, Pollard abruptly stormed off of the stage, leaving shocked media members in a furor to confirm whether or not his facts were correct. Hours later, Des Moines Register columnist Randy Peterson tearfully confirmed that “Yes, despite Steele Jantz, Grant Rohach, Sam B. Richardson, Joel Lanning, Jacob Park and Zeb Noland combining for at least 50 starts, not a one of them was able to win two Big 12 games at Jack Trice Stadium.”

Upset with Peterson’s confirmation of this embarrassing statistic, a number of Iowa State fans promised to boycott The Des Moines Register, opting instead to obtain their sports coverage from Peterson later apologized for his reporting, though it was apparently too late for some, as reports came in that a number of Iowa State fans were now investigating the non-existent basement of a prominent pizza establishment in Washington, D.C.

Credit to Twitter user Brandon Morris, who inspired this piece with this amazing (and true!) factoid:

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