Behind the Madness of Coach Jim Harbaugh

Hollywood Hawk Hogan's picture
July 31, 2018 at 5:54 pm
Go Iowa Awesome has an exclusive, behind-the-scenes look at how Jim Harbaugh runs the Michigan football program. It's a genuine true story that is totally not made up, it's as crazy as a pile of bat guano, and it explains recent comments by former UM quarterback Wilton Speight.


SUPERIMPOSE: "Sunday, November 26, 2017"


HARBAUGH sits silently at his desk analyzing video of the previous day's football game against Ohio State on his computer, scribbling notes on a legal pad.  He's wearing horn-rimmed glasses, khaki slacks, and a blue sweater with a large maize "M". There is a 70s-era rotary telephone on his desk and an empty KFC bucket lying sideways on the floor.  His office walls are covered with Michigan football paraphernalia, and his office door is open, as always.


WILTON (standing at doorway) Excuse me, Coach? You have a minute?

HARBAUGH (setting pencil down and standing up) Good morning, Wilton! Absolutely! Please have a seat.

WILTON (sitting down) Thanks, Coach.

HARBAUGH (sitting back down) You're still on track to graduate next month, right?


HARBAUGH (smiles) Excellent! Nothing can stop a man with a Michigan degree (smile fades) Except for a pink locker room, I guess.

WILTON Those jerks injured my shoulder!

HARBAUGH Say, that reminds me! How’s your back doing?

WILTON Almost 100%, Coach. Getting stronger every day!

HARBAUGH Speaking of jerks and their terrible locker rooms!

WILTON You can say that again!

HARBAUGH Speaking of jerks and their terrible locker rooms!

WILTON Sorry, Coach. I didn’t mean that literally.

HARBAUGH Or did you? “Literally” can also mean “figuratively” now.

WILTON (thinks for a beat) You learned that from Jake, didn’t you?

HARBAUGH Our university is head-and-shoulders the best in the conference in almost every way, but those Hawkeyes do have a fine Writers Workshop ... but I digress.  What did you want to talk about?

WILTON Well, Coach, I’ve made my decision.  Considering the injuries I’ve had, I don’t think another season of Big Ten football is the best idea for my health.  I’m going to exercise my graduate transfer option to play somewhere they don’t tackle so hard.

HARBAUGH I don’t know, son.  There’s, like, two decent schools in the entire Big 12. Two-point-five if you count ISU’s agricultural programs … (emphatically) which I don’t!

WILTON Actually, Coach, I was considering the Pac 12.

HARBAUGH (expression darkens) You know Stanford is in the Pac 12, right?

WILTON South Division.

HARBAUGH (smiling again) Ah, I see.  That makes sense.

WILTON Have you spoken with Tyler Wiegers yet?  He’s graduating, too, and probably not going to win the starting position from Nate Stanley at this point.

HARBAUGH As a matter of fact I have.  Thanks again, by the way, for letting me know ahead of time that you were considering a transfer.  Gave me a chance to reach out to Tyler. I think we missed our shot there. He seems really interested in getting a master’s degree in human nutrition at Eastern Michigan.

WILTON Oh no!  That’s the best human nutrition program in the country!

HARBAUGH Indeed!  And who wouldn’t want to play for Coach Creighton?  That guy’s an up-and-comer. We’ll probably see him at Illinois or Maryland in a couple of years since he knows how to beat Rutgers.

WILTON True, true… Well, gee, Coach, I hope I’m not leaving you in the lurch here!

HARBAUGH Don’t worry about it, Wilton.  I’ll probably just get some overrated SEC kid who’s ready to start playing school or something.

WILTON You sure?

HARBAUGH (smirking) Don’t forget! (snorts) I’m the Quarterback Whisperer!

BOTH (laughing uproariously)

WILTON (wipes away tear) I can’t believe the media fell for that one!

HARBAUGH Remember what I taught you.  They’ll print any story you feed them, as long as it’s interesting and you can get someone else to (makes air quotes) independently confirm your claims.  

WILTON (eyes widening) Like the sleepover! You got Quinn’s parents to make the whole thing up!

HARBAUGH (grinning like an ass) Exactly! The crazier they think I am, the more stories they write about Michigan football! We gotta keep relevant somehow, and we sure aren’t doing that with our performances on the field. (glances at KFC bucket)

WILTON (nodding) All right, then. Thanks for putting my mind at ease, Coach! I can let you get back to your film study. (stands up)

HARBAUGH Actually… (glances at KFC bucket again) If you have a little more time… (smiles) I think I have a way you can really help out the old alma mater.

WILTON I'd be honored, Coach!

HARBAUGH How’s your poker face?

WILTON (sits down again) Pretty good, I think.

HARBAUGH Great!  I’m sure I can count on you, Wilton!  Now, they’ll never believe this coming out of my mouth, but … (leans towards WILTON and begins whispering inaudibly)