Caring Is Creepy 2019: Have a Seat, Yahweh Jeudy

By Patrick Vint on December 18, 2018 at 8:28 pm
Lo, he has tweeted
God
HAVE A SEAT
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In those days Mark Emmert issued a decree that a census of football players and their chosen schools shall be taken.  (This was the first census that took place while Ryan Day was governor of Ohio State.)  And everyone faxed letters to their own town to register.

So Tyler Barnes also went up from the town of North Liberty to Iowa City, to the Iowa football offices of Ferentz, because he belonged to the house and line of Ferentz. He went there to take registrations with Mary, who was married to Ferentz and probably didn't have any reason to be there, but whatever, her name's Mary. While they were there, the time came for the recruits to be signed. They wrapped the faxes in folders and placed them in Kirk's inbox, because there was no guest room available for them.

And there were creepy recruiting weirdos living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over the recruits at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of Fort Lauderdale a linebacker has been born to you; he is Yahweh, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a guy wrapped in purple cloths and verbally committed to play football at a place that probably has a manger.”

Suddenly the recruiting weirdos saw three stars near the angel, and a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,

When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the recruiting weirdos said to one another, “Let’s tweet at him and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”

So they hurried off and tweeted and DM'd the linebacker, who was probably tired of having them call all the time. When they had @-ed him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this linebacker, and all who heard it were amazed at what the recruiting weirdos said to them. The weirdos returned, glorifying and praising Ferentz for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

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