Pickin' on the Big Ten: Week 6, 2017 Season

By Mark Hasty on October 5, 2017 at 10:00 am
Illinois head coach Lovie Smith
Mike Granse - USA TODAY Sports

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Mark spent most of this week traveling the mid-Mississippi Valley in a small rental car with a whiny transmission, listening to AM news radio. We think it may have had an effect on him.]

Illinois at Iowa

Hi, I'm Mark Hasty, the Big Ten's pick wizard. I can show you how to take advantage of distressed properties like Illinois football to generate amazing income without risk to you. You too can make $5,000 a week or more by not coaching Illinois football. Ron Z. of Florida did so well with my system that now he's taken up banking as a hobby. Call now for my free guide, "How to Make Big Money Not Coaching Illinois Football." That number is 1-888-CFB-PODUNK. Once again, 1-888-CFB-PODUNK. Offer limited to the first ten callers.

Iowa 31, Illinois 20.

Michigan State at Michigan

"We go now to the phones. Jim in Ann Arbor, you're on SpartanTalkBack with Mark Dantonio, hello."


"Jim. Jim, turn down your radio."




"Hello, Jim, you're on SpartanTalk Back."

"... am I on?"

"Yes, Jim, you're on."

"Right now?"

"Right now. You're on the radio right now, Jim, what's your question?"

"H ... how are you guys?"

"That's your question, Jim?"

"N ... no. My question is for Coach Dantonio. Is he there?"

"I'm here ... Jim. Not Jim H., is it?"

"N ... no. My question for you, Coach?"

"... yes?"

"Is your refrigerator running? BABABOOEY!"

Michigan 34, Michigan State 21.

Wisconsin at Nebraska

Getting tired? Feeling run down? Things not happening in the stadium like they used you? Maybe you've got low T. It happens to every program as it ages. Call now for your free 30-day sample of Osbolene, the all-natural supplement that's proven to give you some of your vigor back. You'll have increased nostalgia, looser disciplinary standards ... and she'll love it too. Don't wait. Get the Nineties back. Get your Osbolene today. You just pay shipping and handling. 

Wisconsin 44, Nebraska 28.

Penn State at Northwestern

Been a while since you had a good laugh? Looking for some good clean fun for the whole family? Tired of huge crowds? 

[wacky music starts to play]

You need to come check out "Northwestern's Defense Tries to Stop Saquon Barkley" this Saturday at Ryan Field! Get your ticket FREE with a purchase of any medium Orange Julius at participating Chicagoland DQ Grill & Chills! Come see flummoxed linebackers, defensive ends brought to an untimely end, the unsafe safeties, and more! Plus stick around for a free preview of the offensive production, "Nothing Persa-nal." You'll laugh! You'll cry! You'll get in the wrong lane trying to get to the stadium and wind up in Lake Forest! Don't. Miss. This!

Penn State 38, Northwestern 24.

Maryland at Ohio State

Alright. Here's the deal. I'm not saying there's a conspiracy to try to keep the Terrapins down, but all these quarterback injuries, all these injuries, they just ... I don't know. I just. Don't. Know.

I don't think they're a coincidence. I don't think they're a happy accident. Or an unfortunate accident. Whatever you wanna call them.

I just ... isn't it strange that after the Terrapins beat Texas, and that's a blue-blood program right there, you know it is, they start losing quarterbacks? I mean, it was one thing a few seasons ago when they lost Danny O'Brien to Wisconsin, you just know the mainstream liberal media was behind that, Madison is such a liberal city, you know it's actually against the law to stay in the city more than 90 minutes if you've gone to church in the past year, right? No, I think something is happening to those Maryland quarterbacks. I don't know who's behind it, but isn't it just a bit strange that we haven't heard from George Soros in a while?

Ohio State 48, Maryland 20.

Minnesota at Purdue

Have you or someone you love been injured in a boat-rowing accident? You may be entitled to significant financial compensation ...

Purdue 28, Minnesota 23.

View 8 Comments