THE HYBRID: IOWA FOOTBALL NEEDS A CONDENSED GAME YOUTUBER

By Bobby Loesch on October 17, 2019 at 12:00 pm
THIS COULD BE YOU
© Erin Jordan-The Gazette (Original Image)
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The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

As a Michigan fan, it's great to have talented YouTubers in the ranks -- several, actually.

They really are.

As an Iowa fan, however -- Void City.

I want this, but with failed third down plays, off tackle runs, and punting-punting-punting. Sure, the professional two-minute clips are fine, but what if I* could show you a world of 11, 14, or even 20 minute highlights? Every touchdown, every offensive snap, every defensive snap. The real ones will even sprinkle in an occasional good play from the other team, you know, to keep everything honest. The real-est ones know exactly when to let a great play linger or when to pepper in a slow-mo after shot because you just had to see it from another angle. It is such an art.

So today, I am making a plea to all Hawkeye fans: can someone please step up?

Feel free to skip the last two weeks, though. 

(* - not me, me; I have no skills at all... someone, like, good)

The Hybrid

"Shower sex? Why would I fuck in my crying chamber?"

Wednesday

N/A

Thursday

N/A

Friday Night Lights

Ohio State (4) at Northwestern: Broke my "not following Ohio State football in any capacity unless they are down three or more TDs in a fourth quarter" rule by betting on the Buckeyes as part of a three team teaser. They just need to win this outright. Am I slightly more nervous because it's on a weird Friday and I didn't know that when making the bet? Of course.

Saturday

Clemson (3) at Louisville: The Tigers are the other (hopefully easy) part of the three team tease. Clemson Tom is also here to preview them:

I told you we’d beat the brakes off FSU. Told ya! Y’all thought we were out here joking or something? Hell -- I can’t even talk trash about Florida State because, well, they're garbage.

Unfortunately, this week, we got another garbage team: the Louisville Cardinals. We are favored by 24 points. Yup -- take that all day, son. [ed- ohhhh I did] Make some money; spend it on good bourbon.

I really don’t like Louisville because their fans always talk trash even though they know they’re going to get beat like a rented mule. Imagine how bad of a person you are -- your team sucks so bad that the only way you can feel better about it is to trash talk for six straight days, just knowing you’re going to get your ass handed to you.

Louisville hasn’t been great since Cassius Clay.

Enjoy your weekend, I’m going to enjoy this smackdown of epic proportions.

Will try to, buddy.

Unless Lamar comes back?

West Virginia at Oklahoma (5):

Oklahoma really might be the most enviable team out right now (besides the two annoying ones). That said: would you take a stretch of CFP appearances and potentially three straight Heisman winners but no natty? I think I'd still take the natty. I just have to see it god damn once. One time.

why

Wisconsin (6) at Illinois: Other than boring ass Jonathan Taylor, something feels... dare I say swaggy about this iteration of Wisconsin football.

I of course hate them all and hope hard for spectacular failure. But at least they super killed Sparty.

* * *

Illinois.

lol

Donny Derangement

(he had a catch last week)

Florida (9) at South Carolina: 

What play call could have possibly led to this shot?

Bonus ZYBRID (even though Notre Dame is off this week): Z.W. Martin...

I know this is a bye week, but Brain Kelly did a very Brian Kelly thing that is quite irksome to your boi Z.W. (And reminds me of that quote which bothers Bobby so much, "Michigan does not have a quick strike offense.") Dude LOVES to milk leads. Just LOVES it. USC has three NFL receivers, so the Irish played a super soft three deep safety. It worked in the first half, and the Irish took a 17-3 lead.

Of course, the Trojans adjusted, while the Irish continued to play, more or less, a prevent defense. This is fine when your offense is clicking. Match score for score and coast to a nice win. But Notre Dame could not get it going, settling for field goals, and USC stormed back to within three.

The Irish's offensive line took over eventually -- Notre Dame ran for 308 yards -- and they marched to a nearly clinching touchdown late in the fourth, but the Trojans still had a shot with an onside recovery. This maddening move of sitting on leads has cost Kelly games in the past, and, one hoped, it was over with, but, alas, it is back, back again

At some point, it will kill them again. But... hopefully... not... next... week... for... #TheBet!

Bobby and I still need to hammer this out, but, by golly, I cannot wait to make him do something impossibly stupid. Gonna be dope. Enjoy your Irish-free weekend, fam.

Auburn (11) at Arkansas:

I steadfastly maintain me being in this highlight could make it better. If you look at the ref, the DB clearly stopped his forward progress, and the play was just short of the end zone. He'd carry me in legit, baby! It'd be CLEAN.

Purdue at Iowa (23): who bad

we bad

i don't know, man

Morehouse even called Vint garbage.

Vint did not shy away.

Some truths need telling.

Can't we all just get along? And by "get along", I mean "hate everybody and be defiantly miserable."

ok that was cool

less cool

I leave the country for one week -- and we become the new banana boys?!

In conclusion, via Ryan Levy, my fav Iowa stat in the aftermath: "Haha, Iowa opens as 15 point favorites vs. Purdue. Iowa has scored 15 points total the last two weeks."

I'm coming to Iowa City this weekend to sort this all out. For real.

LSU (2) at Mississippi State: Probably said this already, but I am all the way in on LSU.

Call it No. 2 to Oklahoma. While they've always been pretty cool without a high flying passing attack, the added dimension really does make it all better. Plus Joe Burrow transferred from Ohio State, so fuck them.

Not that everything's gravy:

Oregon (12) at Washington (25): 

You tell 'em, The Duck.

Temple at SMU (19): Really shoulda put my money where my mouth was and bet on our undefeated ponies.

Minnesota (20) at Rutgers: They actually backed it up.

It's weird when a stupid team makes it this deep into the season undefeated. Obviously, there is a 0% chance any of it will end well, and it's super annoying it's still going... yet, there is a perverse part of me that wants to see it roll on just a little bit longer. You know, to max out the failure in a surefire spectacle kind of way. Let's take a look at the schedule.

/takes a look at the schedule

If they can get through the murder's row of Rutgers/Maryland, they have home vs. Penn State then at Iowa. I think either of those two ending in L's would be solid. So, uh, go 8-0 Minnesota? Whatever.

* * *

Rutgers being in my college fantasy football league means whatever defense is playing against them gets a guaranteed 30.

It's the worst (unless it benefits you that week, of course).

UL Monroe at Appalachian State (24): Did a double take seeing Appy State ranked. Aren't they FCS still?

/looks up

Sun Belt! Good for them. I hope they one day become the Duke of college football*, and it retroactively makes the Michigan upset look 'not so bad'.

(* - not even sure if they're private; whatever.)

Indiana at Maryland: 

Baylor (18) at Oklahoma State: I fear we've begun to sleep on the Baylor Bears, even though we explicitly were not supposed to be sleeping on the Baylor Bears.

Kentucky at Georgia (10): Welcome to The Worst Sport, Georgia fans.

Arizona State (17) at Utah (13): I'm guilty of giving the "meh" rating to a lot of games, but how meh is this game? This game sucks.

Kansas at Texas (15): Sorry for believing in y'all vs. Oklahoma last week, boys.

Colorado at Washington State: no

Michigan (16) at Penn State (7): This fucking team.

There's another.

Completing the third prong of my tease: the most uninspiring team in college football. Before you say "Wait, Iowa?!" Please know I root for both, and the (real) banana boys are worse. In honor of Penn State's 106,572 stadium capacity, I loaded up $106.57 against Michigan (+8.5) as a nice emotional hedge for when they get rolled. I told myself I would have done the same thing if the spread was as high as 9.5 prior to the line coming out, so I really felt like I had to follow through.

So yeah:

- Penn State (-8.5)
- tOSU (outright)
- Clemson (outright)

Gambling... how hard could it be?

* * *

Penn State social justice section:

Good on them. Less good? Taking the shirts away and opening themselves up to a river of "Penn State finally acted quickly!" burns. They are bad. Not bad? KJ Hamler. Is he the best player in the Big Ten? Non-Jonathan Taylor/tOSU category.

Tennessee at Alabama (1): Are we sure this picture isn't from this game that hasn't happened yet?

So it (field) goes.

Boise State (14) at BYU: 

Boise killing the 'horny football fan barely hanging onto the final game of the night before opening private browsing' demo.

Wrapping It Up...

May it forever be halftime.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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