Late Saturday night, the news broke that ESPN’s College GameDay would be visiting Ames for the first time in the history of the program. The decision was likely made since Iowa is ranked and Iowa State, uh…used to be ranked before needing three OTs to beat an FCS team and then taking a week off (because even the pros get two weeks to prepare for the Super Bowl). Plus, it’s the only other game featuring two Power 5 unbeaten teams besides Arizona State and Michigan State and no one wants to watch Herm Edwards wander around looking confused in a 40-point loss to Mark Dantonio.
With the announcement being made, everyone’s first thought was “Who will be the guest picker?” College GameDay traditionally has an alumnus or someone popular associated with the school they’re visiting appear to make game predictions. Iowa State’s problem is that their most famous alumnus, George Washington Carver, has been deceased since 1943, and Fred Hoiberg is coaching a historical school rival in Nebraska.
Despite this fact, we came up with a nice list of potential guest pickers for College GameDay and want your help in voting to figure out who might ultimately get the call. We’ll vote on 10 options today, 10 options tomorrow, a Final Four on Thursday, and on Friday the lucky winner will be announced! Best of luck to all of the candidates!
Region One: The Political Celebrity Bracket
1. Steve King
The pride of Iowa’s 4th Congressional District (which includes Ames), has more or less controlled politics in northwest Iowa since 2003. A white nationalist, xenophobe and all-around racist, King would be a great candidate to ask the important questions on Saturday like: Why is being a white nationalist a “bad thing?” He wouldn’t even have to travel far from his Ames office, just a hop, skip and a step down Highway 30 on South Bell Avenue!
2. Alex Jones
Who better to fuel the flames of Iowa State fans who think there is a massive ongoing conspiracy by the Big 12 to screw them, than one of the world’s biggest conspiracy theorists? Bush doing 9/11 has nothing on "that one Kansas basketball game where we got screwed by the refs.” Plus, Iowa State fans love multi-level marketing schemes, so why not buy his pills so you can get this huge:
3. Devin Nunes
This United States Congressman from California, an agent of averageness and bumbling stooge, actually has ties to northwest Iowa, as his family owns a dairy farm in Sibley, Iowa. Who better than to talk about actually helping farmers than a guy from this shady ass family farm situation?
4. Shelby the Sign Tearer Upper
No one is quite as American as Shelby Mueller (ironic name), the Iowa State fan who bravely tore up the sign of a protester outside of an Iowa State game in September of 2015:
Shelby later went on to demand to speak to someone’s manager and legally changed her name to Karen.
We need that type of patriotism brought to bear on the menagerie of signs at College GameDay.
5. Michelle Bachman
This batshit crazy ex-congresswoman was the winner of Ames’s final Iowa Straw Poll, held at Hilton Coliseum in 2011. Like most people who do well in Ames, she took advantage of her strong showing by finishing second to last in the Iowa Caucus and suspended her presidential campaign a day later.
So, who wins Region One? You can only vote for one!
Region Two: The Fan Bracket
1. ISU Fan that Wants to Fight Bill Self
Remember that “one Kansas basketball game where we got screwed by the refs”? This guy was there for one of them! See, to Iowa State fans, playing basketball against Kansas is considered a “rivalry game.” Never mind that since 1949-50, Iowa State is 50-118 (.298) against the Jayhawks. That’s like a cow considering the butcher a rival.
Anyway, some shit went down, Iowa State “got screwed” and lost and then this superfan decided to charge the floor to confront Bill Self while his wife calmly stood behind him whispering “Get his ass, Dave.” Thinking Kansas is a rival, getting overly upset about losing to a better program and then being furious enough to want to fight their coach is a lesson in Iowa State sportsmanship and he’s the type of guy that could get Ames JACKED for the Cy-Hawk game.
2. Kanye Glasses Kid aka Joey Coolface
There are an innumerable amount of enjoyable images from the 2009 Iowa v. Iowa State game but Kanye Glasses Kid takes the cake. I mean, it’s a perfect image. The score was only 14-3, sure, but Iowa was thoroughly kicking ass and you could see it on this kid’s face. Why is he wearing what appear to be those ridiculous hats that jesters wore? Aren’t you just asking for clown jokes? Also, in a “wow that totally makes sense” retrospective, those glasses were made famous by Kanye West in 2007 when he released Stronger, so it makes sense that two years later kids were still wearing them in Ames.
I seem to remember there being a lot of anticipation for that game after Iowa State’s dismantling of North Dakota State. Iowa ended up winning 35-3. This is the type of kid that can get a crowd ready for disappointment.
3. Sad Iowa State Baby's Helmet Fan aka Elijah EmoCape
Why...is he wearing a baby's helmet?
4. Matt Campbell's Twin Brother Cat Campbell
Meowsers pic.twitter.com/Q4N64SvSrm— Tyler Luebke (@TylerLuebke) September 9, 2019
This guy loves his brother, loves Iowa State and loves cats. What else is there?!
5. Bored High School Student
Did you think Bored High School Student was an Iowa fan? Boy, were you mistaken. Turns out, he’s actually a huge Iowa State fan and would crush College GameDay with his extensive college football knowledge. Here he is back in 2009, dunking on all of you haters about the Cyclones and how they’ll win the 2009 Football National Championship. Time to get into the nitty gritty:
He called for Iowa State to beat Iowa in a BLOWOUT, by a score of 24-17.
Of note, Iowa State finished the season a respectable 7-6 (3-5) with an Insight Bowl win over Minnesota but was ultimately snubbed by the BCS.
So, who wins Region Two? You can only vote for one!