Pickin' On the Big Ten: Week 4, 2019 Season

By Mark Hasty on September 19, 2019 at 10:00 am
badger power
© Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports

"Hey Siri, is Iowa the Cyclone State yet?"

"I'm sorry, it appears Iowa has never been the Cyclone State."

Never. Gets. Old. Also: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO~!

As our Hawkeyes take a week to drink from the skulls of their vanquished feculent opponents gameplan for Middle Tennessee State, the other teams in the conference (well, most of them) play on. But before they do, have a laugh by looking at my performance last week.

Eastern Michigan at Illinois: I said Illinois 24, EMU 21; actual score, EMU 34, Illinois 31.
No matter how bad you need to get to six wins, do not anger the football gods by offering up one too many MACrifices. Illinois filleted Akron in week one, and this is what the Illini get for it.

Ohio State at Indiana: I said OSU 38, IU 34; actual score, OSU 52, IU 10.
Eh, close enough.

Iowa at Iowa State: I said Good 30, Evil 24; actual score, Good 18, Evil 17.
Well done, boys.

Maryland at Temple: I said Maryland 52, Temple 7; actual score, Temple 20, Maryland 17.
Maryland is the new Sparty, hopefully only in the "impossible to predict its football performance" sense.

Arizona State at Michigan State: I said Sparty 31, Sparky 13; actual score, Sparky 10, Sparty 7.
The video of this game should be digitally shredded to provide blockchain fragments for orphans.

Georgia Southern at Minnesota: I said Minny 20, GSU 13; actual score, Minny 35, GSU 32.
The Gophers had to rally to win this one and are the most thoroughly tested team in the conference through three weeks. This may mean nothing in the long run, but the Gophs have answered the bell every time.

Northern Illinois at Nebraska: I said Nebraska 55, NIU 16; actual score, Nebraska 44, NIU 8.
Unfortunately this game made Husker Todd go off his meds and harass Derek from the dispatch office. Derek is a Cyclone fan, but Husker Todd has been calling ISU "Iowa" his entire life.

UNLV at Northwestern: I said jNWU 40, UNLV 12; actual score, jNWU 30, UNLV 13.
This was my best prediction of the week, unfortunately.

Pitt at State Pen Penn State: I said PSU 40, Pitt 13; actual score, PSU 17, Pitt 10.
Overrating teams through Week Two has always been a problem for me.

TCU at Purdue: I said TCU 23, Purdue 20; actual score, TCU 34, Purdue 13.
Tell me again why Jeff Brohm didn't take the Louisville job.

And, as I predicted, nobody scored on Wisconsin last week, since the Badgers were inactive. With that, we proceed.

UCONN (1-1) AT INDIANA (2-1) (11 am CDT, BTN)

I cannot think of a single reason why anyone would waste precious glucose thinking about this game unless that person had a child on the roster of one of the teams. All I know is UConn lost to Illinois at home, and that is not easy to do. I think the Hoosiers will take them.
Faded Midwestern Basketball School 42, Faded East Coast Basketball School 28


Both these teams have run up the score on a soft-bellied bobo and also lost to the first good team they played. The Spartans were useless against Arizona State last week, and the desert cannot be blamed because the game was in East Lansing. Let me remind you, Herm Edwards coaches Arizona State. Mark Dantonio lost at home to Herm Edwards. There are some major NFL headset fillers who never did that. jNWU, but it won't be pretty for either team.
Future Middle Managers of Lake County 30, Cone of Silence 23


BC beat Virginia Tech, which is good. BC got doubled up in its own crib by Kansas, which is not good. Also not good: Rutgers. The loser of this game should be sent down to FCS, as should the winner. I think BC will be the winner. But I try not to think about it too much.
Flutie 41, Flakes 20

#11 MICHIGAN (2-0) AT #13 WISCONSIN (2-0) (11 am CDT, FOX)

The Badgers have outscored their opponents 110-0 this season, which sounds dominant until you consider that one opponent was USF, which only scored 10 against Georgia Tech, a team that just lost to The Citadel. The other was Central Michigan, which really isn't a bad team unless it's playing the likes of Wisconsin. Michigan nearly gacked against Army, but we all know Harbaugh didn't gameplan for that one. Point is, Wisconsin has looked great but we all know it hasn't been tested. Michigan looks like an "O! VER! RAY! TED!" chant waiting to happen but at least the Wolverines have had to play all four quarters of a game. I'm really not sure Michigan has the weaponry to score enough points to stop the Badgers, though, so I like Wisconsin in this one.
State Street Brats 48, Zingerman's 31

FAKE MIAMI (1-2) AT #6 OHIO STATE (3-0) (2:30 pm CDT, BTN)

Half a league half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred:
'Forward, the Light Brigade!
Charge for the guns' he said:
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

'Forward, the Light Brigade!'
Was there a man dismay'd ?
Not tho' the soldier knew
Some one had blunder'd:
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do & die,
Into the valley of Death
Rode the six hundred.

THE Ohio State University 66, AN Ohio State University 0

And now, the one you've all been waiting for, the pinnacle of this week's action and one of the gamiest games ever gamed ...

NEBRASKA (2-1) AT ILLINOIS (2-1) (7 pm, BTN)

I sure hope Lovie Smith has been living in a hotel like Rick Majerus used to. I'd hate for him to have to try to sell a house in Champaign while he's still upside down on it.
Western Corn 52, Eastern Corn 21

Last week: 7-3 (.700)
Season: 30-6 (.833)

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