Pickin' On The Big Ten: Week 10, 2021 Season

By Mark Hasty on November 4, 2021 at 1:30 pm
this man knows about the conspiracy
© Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports
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EDITOR’S NOTE: Mark was doing fine, really, he was, since he did predict that Iowa would lose to Wisconsin, and even predicted why. Then he heard that somehow it was wrong to want the Hawkeyes to perform at the high levels they did in 2002 and 2004 and, well, we don’t know what happened, but we’d like to thank the Havre, Montana police department for talking him off the top of the post office, finding him some clothes, and making sure he got to the George Armstrong Custer Institute for Not Missing the Point, where he remains an in-patient. We have hopes he will return next week. As for this week, unfortunately the only person we could find on such short notice was the Redditor known as “MechanicalBirdPollution4B,” host of the YouTube video series “Things You Need To Know Before ‘They’ Shut Me Down.” We would provide a link but (a) MechanicalBirdPollution4B asked us not to draw too much attention to the channel, and (b) you really don’t want to know. Anyway, we now turn it over to MechanicalBirdPollution4B and solemnly swear we will never do this again.

Or maybe that’s what ‘they’ want you to think.

First of all I would like to thank the staff at Go Awesome Iowa for the chance to write. I am only sorry that giving me a platform means the Anti-Thermometer One-World Government will inevitably shut this website down. But as college football fans you should be aware that your entire sport is going away when the United Nations forcibly moves all higher education into the developing world, allegedly for purposes of “economic development” but actually to reduce the use of the English language.

Not many people realize that your own conference is part of this conspiracy. It retains the name “Big Ten” despite having fourteen teams because the ATOWG is planning to institute base-14 counting all over the world. Your conference is just the warning shot, there will be others like Heinz 41 steak sauce and Baskin Robbins 23 Flavors. The reason for the move is because baby formula is going to be mandated worldwide by the ATOWG and the only allowable formula will put an extra finger on each hand and an extra toe on each foot.

Of course, the mainstream media knows all this, but won’t report it.

So since by my calculations the Day of No Temperature, when the ATOWG executes Order 54 (which is actually Order 74 in disguise, because it’s in base-14) is coming on December 15 (again, base-14, so December 19), there isn’t much time left for you to enjoy college football, higher education, drinkable tap water, or vowels. Thus let me communicate with you while I still can. In order to avoid further interference from the Chiefs of the Order, I will continue to report numbers in base-10, but please understand that in fewer than seven weeks this will be a capital offense. The UN has no sense of humor about this.

Of course, the mainstream media knows all this, but won’t report it.

ILLINOIS AT MINNESOTA (11 AM CDT, ESPN2)

Both of these institutions are at the forefront of the ATOWG. Illinois is the epicenter of supercomputing. Its computers have been used to model the disinformation necessary to spread every hoax spread over the past forty years, which is to say, all the news you have seen reported via any outlet under the control of the ATOWG. Their final step in the climate hoax is to remove the ability of average citizens to determine the actual temperature of their environments by disabling all the thermometers on the planet. This could not be done without the supercomputing innovations made at the University of Illinois. They are so good at what they do that most people are unaware that neither Champaign nor Urbana even exists. They are an early experiment in virtual reality.

Minnesota is very real but has been concealing an awful secret for over eighty years: not only are White Castle hamburgers not harmful to the body, but anyone who eats them every day for a month will achieve immortality, so long as they eat nothing else. If you doubt this you are probably unaware that Queen Elizabeth, Dick Van Dyke, and Keith Richards subsist solely on White Castle hamburgers.

Of course, the mainstream media knows all this, but won’t report it.

For we who are derided by the term “conspiracy theorists” when we are merely the ones who know that birds aren’t real (to name just one hidden truth!) we do not know who to root for in this game, but because Bret Bielema was time-shifted from Amsterdam in the 1600s by means of a tesseract, we cannot accept him as a stable presence in this time and place, so will reluctantly endorse the Golden Gophers, with the caveat that once you believe in Golden Gophers, titanium birds shouldn’t be that great of a stretch. We say …

Minnesota 24, Illinois 13

#6 OHIO STATE AT NEBRASKA (11 AM CDT, FOX)

Thanks to the doomed sport of college football, the world is getting closer to learning the truth that there is no such place as “Cincinnati, Ohio.” It was created as a setting for a CBS sitcom of the 1970s whose name we no longer recall, and an NFL sitcom which is ongoing. Were it not for the ATOWG-corrupted persons running the College Football Playoff the lie of the “Bearcats” (what a ridiculous concept for a cryptid!) would have been exposed when the team failed to show up for its assigned playoff game. For the past one hundred years the team called “Cincinnati” has actually been provided by Ohio State. The possibility of this being revealed was simply too great, so the ATOWG gave the order that “Cincinnati” must not be ranked in a position to make the playoff.

Nebraska’s struggles, meanwhile, illustrate the truth of something our community has been warning about for years: Dorothy Lynch was a mastermind of CIA mind-control experiments, and her salad dressing has strong dissociative properties. We will take the real team of Ohio State over a squad of recruits gorked out of their minds on a condiment, thank you very much. 

Of course, the mainstream media knows all this, but won’t report it.

Ohio State 54, Nebraska 20

PENN STATE AT MARYLAND (2:30 PM CDT, FS1)

Your man Mr. Hasty was smart enough to suss out that Maryland is not real but like most “pink”s (people compromised by ATOWG-sponsored education) the truth about “Cincinnati” escaped him. So be very suspicious of everything he says.

The Maryland conspiracy supports the Pennsylvania conspiracy; namely, that the entire state is a portal to Hell. The Centralia fire was no accident and is not burning in a coal mine; the town was evacuated voluntarily due to the incessant shrieking of the damned. But the conspiracy is not diabolical -- it originates from Heaven and is intended to “scare straight” as many sinners as possible. Proximity to the Centralia hell-mouth gradually drives a person insane; this is why most Pennsylvanians live on either end of the state, close to an escape route.

Yet the real mystery is what the people of Erie (“eerie”) did to be denied their rightful New York residency by the ATOWG. Some shady things go on there, and not for nothing was the Philadelphia Experiment (which was successful) called that.

Of course, the mainstream media knows all this, but won’t report it.

At any rate, Maryland has no chance against cloaking technology and a legion of demons, particularly since it doesn’t even exist.

Penn State 37, Maryland 14

#3 MICHIGAN STATE AT PURDUE (2:30 PM CDT, ABC)

Need we even begin? Purdue, the cradle of “astronauts,” is knee-deep in the so-called “moon landing,” which was directed by Stanley Kubrick. The story was told in the bold movie Capricorn One, which was the actual story of the mission, only with the location changed to make it seem ridiculous. This is how the ATOWG hides the truth, underneath a just-plausible veneer of fiction. We have some bad news for you about the Ghostbusters (real), the Men in Black (also real), and the Smurfs (real, bloodthirsty creatures responsible for a string of unexplained deaths across Belgium, the Netherlands, and Luxembourg; pray that you never encounter one).

Of course, the mainstream media knows all this, but won’t report it.

We can, amazingly, find no connection between Michigan State and any known conspiracy, emphasis on “known.” They must be extremely good at covering their tracks and are probably responsible for the loss of the sixth Great Lake, Lake Ashwaubenon.

Of course, the mainstream media knows all this, but won’t report it.

We must side with the Spartans; why choose the lesser evil?

Michigan State 41, Purdue 27

#21 WISCONSIN AT RUTGERS (2:30 PM CDT, BTN)

Wisconsin has not escaped the machinations of the ATOWG since Aaron Rodgers spoke something akin to the truth about chemtrails -- they do not cause cancer but are how the ATOWG plans to neutralize the world’s non-digital thermometers. You see their power in this: Rodgers actually is vaccinated, but the ATOWG was able to convince the NFL that he is not. This will keep him away from the media, allowing more time for the Mercury Neutralizing Formula to be dispersed. Rutgers’ role in this is to distract the Wisconsinites with sandwiches too huge and greasy to serve even in Wisconsin; the flabbergasted Badger faithful will be cowed into silence by a combination of 5,000 calorie sandwiches and an easy win over a Big “Ten” also-ran.

Of course, the mainstream media knows all this, but won’t report it.

Wisconsin 30, Rutgers 12

INDIANA AT #7 MICHIGAN (6:30 PM CDT, FOX)

We are often accused of seeing conspiracies in things that have simple explanations. Let us disabuse you of that notion with a simple statement: Indiana is only losing games because it’s not that good at football.

Of course, the mainstream media knows all this, but won’t report it.

Michigan 27, Indiana 20

Lastly a game that is of great personal interest to you -- and to all who wish to know the truth about the ATOWG:

#22 IOWA AT NORTHWESTERN (6:00 PM CDT, BTN)

“The Wave” appears to have a simple purpose -- making sick children feel cared about; who could be against that? -- but we wonder if you have ever looked closely at the design of the Stead Family Children’s Hospital. Those glassy pavilions at the top are made to concentrate and focus not the waves of friendly football fans but a very different kind of wave: temporospatial anomalies. The angles are just such that a properly aimed wave could reflect from Johnson County all the way to the Eastern seaboard. If such a wave contained a singularity of some sort, it would be able to rip open space-time and allow for transit to a specific point in the past.

The University of Iowa is involved in such an effort. The singularity will come not from a high-voltage particle collider, but from the football field. It is the secret goal of Kirk Ferentz to create a defense so good that offense is not merely unnecessary but actually subsumed. “What if the entire team was the defense?” is not just a drunk-time talking point but the means by which Ferentz intends to become history’s first time traveler.

Of course time travel raises the question of where -- or when -- the traveler intends to visit, and for what purpose. While many time travelers would wish to prevent great historical tragedies, this ignores the fact that just as many time travelers would wish to cause them. But we believe there is no need to assign any noble or scurrilous motive to Ferentz’s efforts at time travel. His motive is more obvious when you consider his personal history.

His goal is to ensure that he, and not Brian Billick, replaces Ted Marchibroda as the head coach of the Baltimore Ravens in 1999. This would enable him to be the head coach of record in Super Bowl XXXV, the most Ferentzian game of football that has ever been played. It featured a quarterback still seen as the most unlikely Super Bowl-winning quarterback of all times, an equal number of offensive and special teams-and-defensive teams touchdowns by the winning team, and most notably, a defense considered quite possibly the greatest NFL defense of all time. The only flaw is in the excessive point-scoring; why must a team score 34 points when its opponent scores a mere 7?

Thus it is that Ferentz has become an unwitting tool of the ATOWG, which is using leftover technology from the aforementioned Philadelphia Experiment and leftover NFL playbooks from the 1970s to create a means by which anyone who stumbles too close to the truth about why thermometers don’t work any more can be dispatched so thoroughly that not only will they not know where they are, they won’t even know when they are. We encourage you to be aware of this possibility. Learn important skills such as finding water, getting money from a bank before it closes for the weekend, communicating without vowels, driving a vehicle with a column-mounted three-speed manual transmission, and walking in tight polyester dress slacks. The ATOWG will stop at nothing.

Of course, the mainstream media knows all this, but won’t report it.

Iowa 17, Northwestern 9

Last week: 5-2 (.714)
Season: 48-20 (.706)

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