THE HYBRID: FARMAGEDDON, APPLE CUP, THE GAME.

By Bobby Loesch on November 23, 2016 at 2:30 pm
Urban The Pizza Boy

Original Image by Greg Bartram-USA TODAY Sports

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The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

ESPN did a "What's playing on your favorite coach's iPod?" story, which always piques curiosity (even though no one listens to iPods anymore except me).

Before you click-then-clown KF's pick, I will save you the work:

Pat Green?

I consider myself a music person. I've played drums for 16 years, guitar for seven, and worked in a record store for nine.

Seriously, who the hell is Pat Green?

Is it Pat Boone? Is it Al Green? (It's not Al Green.)

/googles

Hmm.

/listens

So it's country or something.

While we're on the subject of my musical ignorance, I also do not know Phil Vassar or whatever the hell Gary P. Nunn is supposed to be. Big Ten coaches, man.

Amirite, James Franklin?

The Hybrid

"Love is the death of duty."

Tuesday

N/A

Thursday

N/A

Friday

Houston (20) at Memphis: Holy wow, Houston -- what a win. Almost makes me regret all those "In the Navy!" jokes... almost.

...0%.

Washington (5) at Washington State (23): APPLE CUP APPLE CUP APPLE CUP

No hyperbole, this is probably the biggest AC in a million years of ever. But don't listen to me, listen to Brian Floyd, who always knows way more about the Cougs and their history: 

There have been big games before in this series, games where one team had a Rose Bowl trip on the line and the other was trying to play spoiler. There’s been times when both teams were relevant nationally, as well, but you have to go back 15 years to get there. There’s only been one time in the series history when the Huskies and Cougars kicked off the Apple Cup knowing it was one-vs-one for a title, and that was 1936.

Despite the early-season stumbles and inconsistent-at-times play, Washington State is right where it wants to be. The Cougars control their own destiny, and can earn a trip to Pasadena by just winning. Standing in the way is a Washington team — which also controls its own destiny — that should scare you.

At the same time, you should be excited instead of worried. Washington and Washington State are excellent, entertaining football teams. The hype around this game is at levels we haven’t seen in what seems like forever. The Cougars have held up their end of the bargain this season and are not only relevant at the end of November, but dangerous.

F yeah.

Nebraska (16) at Iowa: Do you... really need more of a preview?

Also, Touchdown Tommy or no Touchdown Tommy, my buddy Pat B. pointed out a very good run of Nebraska QB nicknames:

  • T-Magic
  • RKIII
  • Touchdown Tommy

You're not topping that, Rykekekerer Fyfe.

Toledo at Western Michigan (21): /ponder emoji

Arizona State at Arizona: Poor RichRod.

Saturday

Kentucky at Louisville (11): RIP, Lamar; always and forever.

Rutgers at Maryland: Finally, the game where we can sequester them into one space. Related/unrelated, I stumbled upon a Hybrid from four years ago at SBN Chicago, titled "Alabama vs. Notre Dame Headlines Our Worst Ever National Title Game Scenario". All of the cool teams (Oregon, Kansas State) had lost in the second-to-last week of the regular season, and I was pissed. I say rightfully so. The column was filled with such vitriol, it literally ended with "Have a crappy Thanksgiving". But buried in the lead was this take on Rutgers-Maryland joining the conference:

The Big Ten -- the stupidest, lamest, whitest, most boring, shitty, dated, antiquated -- conference, decided to add Maryland and GD Rutgers into its mix, solely to be rich assholes

Really love how I was already calling them "GD Rutgers" even then. That was before, you know, this:

It then got a tad worse:

Can't get sadder, right?

Sadder.

Michigan (3) at Ohio State (2): The Game.

(Game of the Week.)

Before anything else is said, I need you to know how stupid Ohio State is as a program, staff, label, and crew:

From has an "m" in it too, jackasses (shout out to Upchurch for the catch).

De'Veon, get me hyped:

Hyyyyyyped.

In all seriousness, this game induces tears and shakes from me on an annual basis, and Michigan never wins (11 of the last 12 to tOSU). Brian Cook, you go now:

I spent large portions of (the Indiana) game playing Ohio State in my head. I've been doing this since the end of the Wisconsin game, to be honest. I didn't like the results much, but I suppose neither did the sliver of the OSU fanbase capable of complex thought after the Buckeyes got outgained by 3-8 MSU.

I think about ten years ago, and how seismic that felt. It felt like the world would rise or fall based on the result of one goddamn game, and how that was right. And Saturday, and ugh, and can we get this over with.

/nods solemnly

* soleMnly

Despite writing a preview column for a not living, I really dislike picking game outcomes. Double so for this one. It's all too emotional and sad. Michigan probably needs Wilton Speight to play if they want to win this game. That said, the defense is supposed to be great. I say supposed to because nothing that ever happens in the regular season -- nothing, ever, in even the most vast body of evidence -- ever seems to translate to The Game. And I don't say that in a "Throw out the records, it's a great rivalry no matter what!" way. I say that in a "Seriously, fuck this -- why was I so unprepared for all that was about to happen?" way.

So yeah, excited/sad.

Purdue at Indiana: I'm too lazy to add a GIF of that bleach chugging kid at this late edit stage of the game, but please know that I gave it some real thought.

Illinois at Northwestern: Well, we've got our last Illinois game before Mikey returns in 2017 to win back our hearts.

Duke at Miami (FL): Nothing to say about this one really, but my friend Paige gets mad when I don't talk about The U enough, so here is your game, OK? I figured we can use it as a space to decipher who the two teams are in this awesome play are (I watched thrice and have no idea).

Tulsa? Maybe? ...No?

Mississippi State at Mississippi: An egg shaped turd.

Also, this joke about last week's bad SEC slate was tremendous.

Auburn (13) at Alabama (1): Saban, you can continue to stay this pissed...

...but the sad truth is you could probably lose this game and your next game and still make the Playoff. Three cheers for dissatisfaction!

* * *

Also, I did get an email from that Alabama column four years ago, which is below:

I will have a Happy Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year. It is nice being on top of the college football world. You sound like a very frustrated man, so sorry. Roll Tide.

Ed [redacted]
Ohatchee AL.

Rolllllllllllllll tide.

Notre Dame at USC (12): 

/walks away whistling

Also, kinda related, we will finally have some clarity in who is winning this year's bet between colleague/Notre Dame Z.W. Martin and myself. To recap: we each pick three games off the other person's schedule, and who ever has the best point differential wins. I picked Texas/MSU/Stanford off his, giving him a -18 for the season (all three L's, hahahaha). He picked Sconnie/MSU/tOSU off the Michigan schedule, which makes me +16, prior to The Game. In conclusion, if Urban beats Blue by 35, then karma does not exist. If Z.W. loses, he has to grow a Brian VanGorder goatee (excellent!), if I lose, I have to sign everything with an ironic "I am a Michigan man" (texts, emails, all written or verbal communication for some period of time).

Michigan State at Penn State (7): Kinda crazy to think, but if Ohio State (touchdown favorite) and Penn State (12.5 favorites) simply win outright at home this weekend, we are sending Penn State to the Big Ten Championship. How did we get here?! Penn State is the fourth highest ranked team in the conference, yet here they sit, in the driver's-ish seat (Michigan technically controls their own destiny, but whatever).

Minnesota at Wisconsin (6): Don't know what your plans are, Minnesota -- but you ain't toppin' last week.

Also, oof.

UCLA at Cal: I don't know why, but this exchange made me laugh so hard.

Utah (22) at Colorado (9): Cool game... not much to add.

South Carolina at Clemson (4): Clemson Tom is back to preview the big rivalry game:

I don't think you guys fully understand the hatred we have for the Gamecocks. Their fans are disgusting, horrible creatures. Every year, I receive a few death threats, and even last year, my 3-year-old son got one as well. This is the type of fan we have to deal with in South Carolina. I don't think hatred is a strong enough word.

Their fan base is so pathetic that they have to ride the coattails of Alabama. It is not uncommon for a Gamecock fan to chant for their conference as well as brag about Alabama winning championships. How pathetic do you have to be to quit cheering for your own team just because your conference is doing well? Technically, is not even their conference -- it's just one team. Alabama fans don't even claim South Carolina fans. I would want more than anything to score 100 points on these idiots to get them to shut up, but that would never work because they would just go back to cheering for Alabama in the Playoff. I really hate them. 

If you don't believe me, below is one video we did to show the difference between the two fan bases (ed- NSFW).

I would like nothing more than for Ben Boulware to completely decapitate their quarterback. Our D-Line should completely demoralize their O-line. And Muschamp will probably have a stroke on the sidelines. I hate them.

We're going to eat turkey on Thursday and fried chicken on Saturday. I hate them.

Tennessee (17) at Vanderbilt: 

Rice at Stanford (24): lol, have fun Stanford

Florida (15) at Florida State (14): Remember when this game used to be cooler?

'night.

Wrapping It Up...

Go Blue, Go Cougs, Go Iowa Awesome.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or e-mail at bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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