THE HYBRID: DEATH OF THE BANANA BOYS

By Bobby Loesch on October 12, 2017 at 2:00 pm
You Kidding Me?

Rick Osentoski-USA TODAY Sports

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The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

What once was.

The Banana Boys
(Photo Credit: Matthew Emmons, USA Today Sports Images)

The Hybrid

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child."

Wednesday

N/A

Thursday

Georgia Tech at Miami (FL) (11): This says "Postponed", but when I checked the Saturday games, it was there... so maybe it got pushed back for some reason? I'm gonna flat out assume this had something to do with the early season hurricane and simply move on.

What I won't move on from? This Mark Richt lameness.

"Stop being awesome, guys. Stop enjoying the nothing fruits of your unpaid labor. Stop it!!!"

* * *

Also, had to save this tweet for two full weeks, but finally, it gets deployed.

Friday Night Lights

Clemson (2) at Syracuse: This game seems boring. Clemson Tom?

What did I tell you about the Wake Forest game? I’m just over here stating facts. In the third quarter, we started putting in our third and fourth string players.

This week, we play Sarah Cues. If this were basketball, I would be a little worried -- but it’s not. We’ll dominate their asses like we always do. They’ve got a few freshman on their offensive line, and that’s gonna pretty much be their demise. Our defense is gonna be in a feeding frenzy.

It’s hard to trash talk them because they’re so bad. Just take Clemson with the points and thank me later. This won’t be a game. We’ll have our 3rd and 4th string guys in midway through the third... again.

Washington State (8) at California: Washington State is a Top 10 team. Last week, I dubbed the Cougs "2015 Iowa," and the weekend's result did nothing but strengthen the case. It wasn't that Wazzu won by double digits at Oregon. It was the *swagger* with how it happened.

It began how it always begins, by us getting called the name of our hated rival.

Then the Eugene paper refused to put respect on it.

So Lukey went ahead and broke Marcus' record in Marcus' stadium.

Then, probably my favorite sequence of this CFB season to not feature Akrum Wadley: Falk with a dime to Isaiah Johnson-Mack, who hauls it in for the TD and throws up the O. In Autzen.

This team is contagious. I figured it'd stop there, but no... minor shade thrown on the socials.

Then, some mega chest puffin’.

But later on... a very important discovery.

We have a new banana boy!

And in the end, the flag flies.

It's (still) spreading.

Saturday

TCU (6) at Kansas State: I haven't watched a second of TCU this season, yet they bore me to tears. How is this possible? I do not know. This was definitely a step in the right direction, though.

Michigan (17) at Indiana: The fucking original banana boys. This past Saturday, the Michigan Wolverines continued their annual fall tradition of bottoming me out as a human being.

One thing led to another, and I found myself ordering a rental stream of "Can't Hardly Wait," trying to make sense of things.

It may have gotten a little too dramatic.

Ah, yes, you wanted to talk about the State game itself. Because you're Iowa fans with cold hearts or because you hate me a little? Oh, both reasons. OK, sure.

First, a ray of hope:

Now? Reality. Ain't no brightside that bullshit.

Guh.

GUHHHH.

John O'Korn then took being a banana boy a little too seriously.

Which opened the door for a very deserved this...

But nothing, ever, more deserved than this.

:(

Legit have hit a point where I'm like "THIS GUY IS ONTO SOMETHING."

Goodbye.

Rutgers at Illinois: Iowa will continue to make friends with their new tradition, and I love every second of it.

Also, props to the Illini for not being weird about the pink locker room.

Eastern Michigan at Army: I'm writing this section on Monday night, and we still do not have an explanation for this.

BYU at Mississippi: Adding Coke as a campus beverage brought the ATL to Provo faster than anyone could have imagined.

South Carolina at Tennessee: Not sure I ever understood this meme until Butch Jones fell victim.

Kansas at Iowa State: One love to the Clones for topping Oklahoma. Some are saying it's the biggest win in school history -- is that true?

Also, is it true that "some are saying" makes me sound like Trump?

Purdue at Wisconsin (7): Wisconsin sucks too and probably doesn't belong in the Top 10. Give 'em hell, Boilers.

Auburn (10) at LSU: /you talking sense into someone considering watching this

Oklahoma (12) at Texas: MEHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Northwestern at Maryland: Northwestern gave us a lot of funny content the last time they played a game on television.

This weird split jersey.

This bad punt.

This... this.

And finally, the onset of shame.

Vanderbilt at Ole Miss: I was going to research "blowing the admiral" in an effort to teach GIA something... but I decided maybe it's best none of us know.

Bad punt to rival Northwestern's bad punt, take us out.

Colorado at Oregon State: /ponder emoji

East Carolina at UCF (22): Were you aware UCF is undefeated *and* has had two games cancelled?

Texas A&M at Florida: Good Florida.

Bad Florida.

...

Haha.

Arkansas at Alabama (1): 

...and watching Nick Saban's team is like rat poison for our eyes.

Missouri at Georgia (4): 

Ohio State (9) at Nebraska: Didn't even make a note to myself to start calling him "Urban Truther" after his quote last week, but I suppose hate stays with you longer than love ever could.

Cincinnati at South Florida (18): Lotta good shrug GIFs in the comments last week, but I should have specified: I was looking for something from YouTube. But sure, I'll play your game:

Kanye Shrug

Utah at USC (13):

Michigan State (21) at Minnesota: Oh my god, they're *ranked* now too? This is not gonna be good for business...

Emrck68: 3
Shiftyz06: 4
Dip-Shit: 1
Calvin Poolidge: 6
Scratch Where It Itches: 6
MdHawkeye: 5
Xarin: 4
Captain America: 5
IowaPharmer: 5
Hollywood Hawk Hogan: 5.5

Goodbye to Xarin, as well as my Slater RA (Shiftyz06). Sparty is dropping y'all like flies.

Boise State at San Diego State (19): OK, let's talk about this.

Listen, I know I have a checkered past when it comes to respecting RBs... but that play wasn't all that cool. You remember Leonard, right? I remember Leonard.

I will never forget Leonard.

Washington (5) at Arizona State: I kinda view shit talkin' Washington like 2Pac viewed Biggie during the recording of "Hit 'Em Up" -- it's my job, it's in my core, I will end your existence -- but, like that venomous diss track, even the legend had help. This week, we pass the mic.

Even Herbie went in.

Though misguided, it was about Washington. So, you know, whatever.

Oregon at Stanford (23): David Shaw...

...has captured the Chocolate Milk Title Belt!!!!

Wrapping It Up...

Gonna give the last word to my buddy and Slater 9 homie, Ryan Levy.

Kirk's Last Wish

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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