THE HYBRID: URBAN 'EM

By Bobby Loesch on November 9, 2017 at 2:00 pm
URBAN 'EM, YO.
35 Comments

The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

Was herbin' 'em in the home of the Terrapins.

That's right, The Hybrid is going to the Maryland game this weekend. It'll be downright impossible to hide the excitement.

Ah screw it, let's run back the whole video.

It's aged well.

Because I am not an easy person to be around, it's very difficult for me to go to the state of Maryland without uttering one of my favorite Shawn Carter lines. It led the column. I'll say it again:

Was herbin' 'em in the home of the Terrapins

It's from one of Jigga's bigger hits, "Izzo (H.O.V.A.)"; at the 1:06 mark.

Decoded, from Genius:

“Herbin'” suggests he was selling the University students marijuana

Of course. And this time, for the first time, I'm actually gonna be in College Park, attending the Michigan-Maryland game. Not like those couple of other MD trips, where I went to Baltimore and kept saying WAS HERBIN' 'EM IN THE HOME OF THE TERRAPINS for no reason other than being kinda close.

I don't bring this up to talk about the Maryland experience or indulge my love of Jigga (oops and oops again), but, as a tribute of his love for double entendres, I propose we take herbin' 'em and create a new term: Urban 'em.

This is an expression for...

- When Iowa hangs 55 on Ohio State

- When you set a new record for all the wrong reasons

- When it's pizza time

- When Iowa drives the opposing coach to nipple play

- When... fuck this guy

- When you get outcoached

- Shit, when you just wanna troll

- No, like, when you really wanna troll

I... no, we have spent way too damn long watching Ohio State run this damn conference. No more. Not after that. I refuse to watch last week's game and call it a fluke. It felt like the end of something or the start of something, and whichever it was, I'm excited as hell.

Also, no hyperbole, that was probably the most impressive Iowa victory since I started following the team in 2004. Sure, there have been big upsets. But Michigan 2016 was a toss up, decided on a kick. Same for Penn State 2008. The Capitol One Bowl was heart-stopping... yet, still different.

Ohio State 2017 -- godddddddddddddd, I love saying that already -- was comprehensive. Spread defying.

It wasn't an upset -- it was an authentic result. It really had everything.

So even though this is a preview column, I ask you all to dwell on it more, in the best possible way.

O-H. N-O.

Have some, losers.

Urban 'em.

The Hybrid

"'I've done so well this week' is the sort of thing a person notes only when the opposite is true."

Tuesday

Nope.

Wednesday.

Noooope.

Thursday

Nuh-nuh-nope.

Friday Night Lights

Washington (9) at Stanford: Hahaha -- what's up,  you two? Washington, I have way too much Iowa/Ohio State stuff to also find time clown you this week, so please move along.

Stanford? Ohhhh-hoho.

Stanford lost the Chocolate Milk Title Belt to Wazzu last week. But, if you take a look at this weird Bryce Love Heisman hype video, you'd think they retained the Chocolate Milk Title Belt.

OK, so, yes, that 52-yard TD run was legit. But do you know how many touchdowns he had besides that one? If your guess was "Zero!", you'd be correct. Do you know how many more yards he had besides that? If your guess was "lol 17", you'd be incredibly correct.

PJ Kendall, take us out.

Haha.

Saturday

Michigan State (12) at Ohio State (13): Sparty is such a dumb, weird, good team. They have one great loss (Notre Dame) and one kinda-bad-loss-that's-somehow-getting-better (Northwestern). Their QB, Brian...

/looks up spelling

Lewerke. Brian Lewerke, has put up more fantasy points in my Big Ten only league than Nate Stanley and Saquon Barkley. I know, I don't believe it either. The only dudes above him are J.T. Barrett and Trace McSorley. How unreal is that?

Oh, also, they just beat all of you in the over/under guesses from the start of the season:

Emrck68: 3
Shiftyz06: 4
Dip-Shit: 1
Calvin Poolidge: 6
Scratch Where It Itches: 6
MdHawkeye: 5
Xarin: 4
Captain America: 5
IowaPharmer: 5
Hollywood Hawk Hogan: 5.5

Per our agreement, all who participated owe me a dollar. This can be sent to my PayPal or Venmo: bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com. Thank you very much. Also, this is not a joke.

* * *

Ohio State time! One last concept I would like to address...

No seriously, I saw this coming from a ten miles away.

...and was happy to see others agreed.

And the final word on this:

Lastly, Buckeyes... though you may not be in our class as a football team on the field, off the field, you're alright by me:

Love you, Urbs.

Rutgers at Penn State (14): Can someone give me a definitive take on this?

It seems... so hokey and lame. Yet, it kinda made me like James "Ben" Franklin more. What to make of it, what to make of it...

Oklahoma State (15) at Iowa State (21): Well, Okie State... you tried.

You failed. But you tried.

Also, Iowa State appears neutralized. I hope you're all happy.

Connecticut at UCF (18): Undefeated UCF has been sitting at No. 18 for what feels like the last three weeks or so. I'm starting to -- /GASP -- think they may not make the Playoff if they win out.

Also, the former UConn coach who spearheaded creation of the Civil ConFLiCT trophy is my kindred spirit. (Ed. Note: That's Galaxy Brain Bob Diaco.)

This is the last great rivalry.

Arkansas at LSU (24): Don't let them mock -- always try if you think you can.

Florida at South Carolina: During an eventful Saturday that had me cackling many a time, I'm not sure anything was actually as downright funny as this:

Will, no.

Indiana at Illinois: /shrug

Nebraska at Minnesota: /double shrug

Georgia (1) at Auburn (10): Game of the Week, yo.

Love it. And props to Auburn for sneaking into the Top 10 just in time to make this game look cooler.

Florida State at Clemson (4): First thing's first: after mocking all doubters of Deshaun Watson in last week's column, our man tore his ACL basically immediately. To everyone, I apologize. That said, he shall be back.

Also back? Clemson Tom.

Sorry about last week, I honestly forgot. But let’s talk real quick about the Wolfpack. Dave Doeren, their head coach, is a complete clown. He had the audacity to say Clemson was cheating because the social media department had a laptop on the sideline to do their job. Maybe he should stick to doing his job.

Last year, he bragged about knocking out our starting running back with a concussion. The year before that, one of his assistant coaches shoved Watson as he was walking back onto the field. And even this year, one of his assistant coaches tried to swipe the ball out of one of our player's hands. Their entire coaching staff is a joke and needs to have their ass whipped.

We have never lost to Dave.

Now this week!

Typically, the Florida State game brings out a little bit of animosity and excitement -- not this season. FSU seems to have given up on football. Players are quitting before the end of the first-quarter, and rumors are Jimbo Fisher is leaving to go coach the Aggies.

I hate that Florida State sucks this year, I really do. Having a good rival helps make college football fun. However, beating them like they stole something is also going to be fun. We need to come out firing on all cylinders, and I hope Kelly Bryant showcases the Kelly Bryant we saw in the first half of the season.

It’s going to be cold this weekend in Clemson, and that just means I get to save money on not buying ice.

I'll let math wrap this section up:

Iowa (20) at Wisconsin (8): 'eyyyyyy, we ranked. Again, I am aware this is a preview column... but I am also aware we housed Ohio State. So, without making fun of tOSU and with praising the Hawkeyes in mind only, let's discuss a little more.

Ohhhh, Kirk.

This incredible, baller ass throw:

Godly.

This OBJ-esque pick:

This covered-to-the-point-of-appeasing-an-obsessive-person field:

This stat:

Did I just wake up in the present? Noooooooooooooooooooo.

Michigan at Maryland: Assuming you were too buzzed on revelry to watch or care about the Michigan-Minnesota game, the general recap: Many TFLs + Gashy Rushing Game = Blowout. Seriously, TFLs.

Hudson had so many, he won co-Big Ten Defensive Player of the Week with Josh Jackson. Our leader was... not happy.

Like... really not happy. Borderline bitter.

CHILL OUT PV THESE ARE IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS

While Hudson did not have 81 TFLs, he did set Michigan's school record and was generally all over the field; even enough to get my "offense only" brain to notice.

Anyway, if you're still mad about the split... sorry, I guess?

How can you be mad at that?!

Nevermind, be mad.

Kentucky at Vanderbilt: Back when we used to do the SEC Turd of the Week, this woulda been a great candidate.

Washington State (19) at Utah: Wazzu's game last week was a validation of many Coug stereotypes: passing TDs, snow... and fans without pants.

Hold your applause.

Alabama (2) at Mississippi State (16): All in on this guy.

In all seriousness, Alabama is so dominant that they're playing at Top 20 team on the road, and I'm not even blinking. Neither eye. What do we think the spread is? I wanna go absurd and say, like, 22.5. It can't be that high, right? Let's go 19.5.

/looks up

14!

BAMA LOOKS VUHL-NERABLE, PAWWWWWWWL.

Purdue at Northwestern (25): And there's Northwestern, the most annoyingly ranked No. 25 team any of us can remember. I find myself rooting for Purdue in more and more games these days.

Notre Dame (3) at Miami (FL) (7): Game of the Week is officially stolen from Georgia. Sorry, Georgia. Outside of Iowa-Ohio State in totality and Baker Mayfield's individual line (more on him in just a second), no one in college football had as much fun as The U last week. And even the aforementioned didn't their unabashed style.

We had the turnover chain on a big dude.

The turnover chain on an expressive dude.

The replica turnover chain on Alex.

The turnover chain again.

Me getting too hyped and researching the turnover chain, finding out Vince Wilfork had involvement, and learning the meaning of "Cuban links".

The initial thought was a rope chain that players would get to wear after forcing a turnover.

“Naw, man,” chimed in Wilfork, recently retired after a 13-year NFL career. “We got to do the Cuban link, AJ!”

The consensus among the three was a collective “Hell yeah!”

“In Miami, what are we famous for? We’re famous for the Cuban chains,” Machado says. “But we need to add a little something to it.

“So we did a big U charm — orange stones, green stones in there to flash it out.”

Turnover chain for Heisman.

Or these dudes:

Or maybe not.

I'd hit you with a totally kidding "Stay classy, Miami", but this guy's got me covered.

You were supposed to have me covered, Steve.

TCU (6) at Oklahoma (5): Oh man, another GOTW contender here. I think it's still gotta be ND-Miami, then probably this one, then Georgia-Auburn. Baker, what say you?

My goodness, Baker.

Arizona State at UCLA: Remember when we used to care about Rosen and I was trying to get the all-caps ROSEN thing going? Yeah, me neither. Here's a cool catch in Spanish:

Wyoming at Air Force: Mesmerizing.

Boise State at Colorado State: Extremely, extremely well played, Boise State.

Wrapping It Up...

Sometimes you get the bear, sometimes the bear gets you.

Said it last week: college football comes for us all one day. But not all days. Because on November 4, 2017... we lived like kings and queens.

Kings and queens.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

35 Comments
View 35 Comments