THE HYBRID: WE SUCK AGAIN

By Bobby Loesch on November 16, 2017 at 2:00 pm
IOWA SHRUG
7 Comments

The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

Intro? Hell no.

The Hybrid

"Be present."

Tuesday

N/A

Wednesday

Western Michigan at Northern Illinois: Did we... know this existed?

Thursday

N/A

Friday Night Lights

no no no no no no

Saturday

Mercer at Alabama (1): You've gotta be shitting me, Alabama. You've given us boring game after boring game all season, and now we get Mercer. Ugggggggggggh.

Here's an uninspiring-but-still-cool Ron Mercer dunk.

Virginia at Miami (FL) (3): Hello, my loves. You were so good to us last week.

Alex started the day with his very specific brand of lameness with a tinge of rich cool.

Then the trolling got super professional.

Then the Turnover Chain got super professional.

Then you kinda, like, got exclusive on us.

Then Alex touched down.

Then a good boy good boyed.

Then, well, you rolled ND's ass. Even Jeb got in on the fun.

...and Bobby Big Wheel joined him.

GOP, Libs, fans of Alex, dogs, bling, and kick ass football... we were all winners in some way.

Michigan (24) at Wisconsin (5): lol, is this the Game of the Week?

/scrolls down quickly and half-looks at the other games

Haha, it is.

You realize this features the banana boys, right? You may not know the banana boys... but I know the banana boys.

Really gotta try to stop calling them that at some point.

Listen, I had a pretty good feeling about this game, but I also had a pretty good feeling about Sconnie-Iowa, and we all saw how that turned out. I'm really not trying to be biased or negative, but it really just seems like Wisconsin sucks and that they should lose all the time. Perhaps. Perhaps not.

But, no, seriously though, I felt solid about this game... but then I saw Michigan was, like, a 7.5 point dog. That inspires less confidence. I mean, this is the same team that, only a few years ago, tried to do defensive incentives with a stuffed animal wolverine:

Makes the banana uniforms look like an upgrade, right?

So yeah, they very well could be screwed, but I do believe in Michigan's defense, the incremental development of QB Brandon Peters (because he is tied to my identity as a human being, and I have no choice), and Hornibrook's ability to throw two or three "Horny as hell"-type interceptions. Because if M is gonna win this game, it's gonna have to be mucked up, ugly, and unapologetic.

So, you know, possible.

Louisiana Monroe at Auburn (6): It just... blows me away that this is allowed. Yet, Auburn housing Georgia was a nice little surprise. Take your Louisiana Monroe and go, Auburn.

Also, glory days of Gus right here:

Reminds me of before the Auburn/FSU national title game where I called Gus "potentially one of the Top 4 greatest CFB coaches ever" to troll my Alabama buddy Russ (even though I also kinda meant it). That proclamation did not work out.

UCF (15) at Temple: UCF achieving the coveted learner's permit ranking this deep into the season is just depressing.

Mississippi State (16) at Arkansas:

 

Minnesota at Northwestern (23): Really chapped my ass to see Northwestern ranked No. 25 last week, though I'm completely unbothered seeing them at No. 23 this time around. Go figure.

I mean, yeah, that didn't hurt.

Rutgers at Indiana: 

Go Home Roger

(No idea why or how that popped into my weird head for this game.)

The Citadel at Clemson (2): You too, Clemson?! Man. Via Clemson Tom

This week, we have Citadel. It’s also military appreciation week, which means we will wear all purple in honor of our troops. No trash talk, as we will rest some key guys and prepare to hand the Gamecocks another butt kicking like we did last season.

Iowa State at Baylor:

Y'all know I'm good with Iowa State... but this streak has to end. Can someone check in and let us know if they cough one up?

Oklahoma (4) at Kansas: 

Kentucky at Georgia (7): Georgia, Georgia, Georgia...

jk you blew it

Navy at Notre Dame (8): ...but not as bad as these guys!

Let us begin with a demonstrative crotch chop:

And if it's football analysis you're looking for, we've got that too:

Ah-hahahahaha.

Illinois at Ohio State (9):

My buddy Ryan txt'd me the spread to this game, so I'd like you to guess before I tell you.

...

...

No seriously, guess.

...

...

...

Ohio State by 41. And you know what? I'm taking the Buckeyes. Anyone interested in earning back their dollar from the MSU over/under (or even anyone that didn't originally bet), feel free to comment if you'd like to take Illinois. I will honor all bets via PayPal, Venmo, or carrier pigeon.

Oh, and before you think the Illini have made any strides despite clockwork losses all season...

Purdue at Iowa: 

Yeah, it's true.

My buddy Ryan (same one who txt'd me about the tOSU spread) went up to Madison for that, uh, "game" last week, crunched the numbers, and gave us this even sadder stat:

Oof.

The only thing cheering me up was Pat Vint envisioning the Midwestern version of the Turnover Chain.

I'm telling you, that stuffed animal was a semi-thing.

Nebraska at Penn State (10): Aright, so here's the deal... I made the final four of my Big Ten Only College Fantasy Football league. We did this despite not owning a single Big Ten RB1 for the entire season. How? I do not know. We have McSorley, the Michigan defense, and that's basically it. Were we the 1-seed? You guessed it! As part of a quirky new rule, the 1-seed gets to pick who they play. Surprising many, we picked the 2-seed over the 4-seed and 6-seed. Our opponent has the Indiana QB at home (vs. Rutgers), the Penn State D at home, and Wadley. But we'd rather die enormous than live dormant. This game and Michigan/Sconnie are gonna swing everything.

Also, if we lose, this will 100% be referenced in my email to the rest of the league:

Maryland at Michigan State (17): Did you know Maryland serves beer in their stadium? No, for real. We drank before the game with the plan of not being able to drink at all during the game. Instead, we found unopened beers on the walk over and short beer lines when we got in. The night ended in downtown Annapolis dancing to a cover band playing great jams with the assistance of iPads.

Oh, almost forgot: SPARTY NOOOO.

I mean, last week vs. Ohio State was really more like SPARTY OHHHHHHHH...MYGOODNESSAREYOUDEAD?!

Wofford at South Carolina: This guy is solid.

UAB at Florida: Oof... man.

LSU (20) at Tennessee: MGoBlog's Brian Cook has dubbed this Brady Hoke vs. Cajun Hoke, if you have any interest in trying to find interest in this game.

UCLA at USC (11): For the love of QBs.

California at Stanford (22): Our man got a little radical last week...

The band was... par for the course.

As were the mashers:

The kicker, meanwhile, snuck up on me:

Utah at Washington (18): My, how the Huskies have fallen.

So yeah, I didn't get to watch their David Shaw loss, but I'm fine accepting this as our full on recap.

But hey, maybe Utah will be the team to get them off the schneid.

Wrapping It Up...

(Programming note: due to the holiday next week, this column will run a little earlier. Like, Wednesday.)

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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