THE HYBRID: NONE OF THIS EVER MATTERS

By Bobby Loesch on November 22, 2017 at 2:00 pm
THE MOST RECENT DEATH
© Greg Bartram-USA TODAY Sports
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The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

If you want to come to my place for Thanksgiving, you know what's cookin'.

The Hybrid

"Show me a hero, and I'll write you a tragedy."

Tuesday

N/A

Thursday

N/--wait, we got a cool dancing guy!

Ole Miss at Mississippi State (14): Here we go...

Spencer:

Haha.

Friday Night Lights

Miami (FL) (2) at Pittsburgh:

jk, i am -- TURNOVER CHAIN ROUND 73

Wait, Michael Jackson?

"Recipient" was probably my favorite moment of last week:

Even Ross wants in...

South Florida at UCF (15): Normally, I don't advocate for this, but screw it -- you're not going to the Playoff, so I say talk as much shit as you want.

Not like you gotta back it up.

Iowa at Nebraska: This award was good. Everything else was not.

PURDUE ARE YOU SERIOUS. Michigan football draws so much of my ire, that it's almost like Iowa flies under the radar. But no more -- we are running out of season.

/pukes in large garbage can

/dumps garbage can on iowa playbooks

Nebraska, meanwhile, seems a little distracted.

Bigger fish to fry. Or corn to boil. Whatever.

My stepdad (Nebraska fan) and I will be watching this game together, per tradition, and I'd almost be surprised if it didn't turn into a one-upping of pure self-loathing (he'll win, but I'll compete, damn it).

California at UCLA: Didn't USC-UCLA used to play this week? Oh, also, Jim Mora... he gone. It's gotta be such a drag to get fired with an NFL caliber QB at the helm.

But yeah, that was great.

Also, it appears USC is off this week, so two more things:

1) Everyone is focusing on the guy that vanishes, but I am more focused on the cool foreground handshake that seemingly incorporates a Euro step (USC has been college football's official basketball team for a little bit now)

2) Their kicker killed a guy

Saturday

Georgia (7) at Georgia Tech: Georgia, with about as shameful a No. 7 ranking as you'll ever see. Don't you dare tell me they have a chance at the Playoff if they lose to Alabama in the SEC Title Game.

Ohio State (9) at Michigan (24): The Game. Fuck.

I am 31 years old, and Michigan has beaten Ohio State one time (GAHHHHHHHHHH BAHHHHHHHH WAHHHHHHHHHHH) since I graduated high school. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh why why why.

Not even really sure how to begin digging into this one. Oh wait, yes I do: allow me to walk you through the shit show that began last Saturday and is still going up to the time this column goes up.

Michigan lost to Wisconsin. That's... OK, I suppose. They were underdogs. Not OK? Nearly everything else.

The day began with (very fair) clowning:

Then Sconnie made Harbaugh's kid cry (in the first half):

Then they called some real shit ass plays:

Empty set Wildcat. EMPTY SET. ON THIRD AND EIGHT.

Then, they finally showed some fire (to down punts but not much else):

Then -- and I'm not comparing this to anything above, because this was dire, serious, and real -- QB Brandon Peters was seriously injured.

That caption ("ALL") is atrocious, but the picture is powerful. Maybe even more powerful? This one.

Brandon Peters Wheelchair(via Mike Mullholland at MLive)

After all of this, former QB2-turned-QB3 John O'Korn came in... and it didn't go so hot. Worse? Braylon went in on the poor guy. The tweets have since been deleted, so here you go:

 

To his credit, O'Korn to the high-ish road:

TE/FB Khalid Hill took a much cooler road:

But Braylon didn't back down (ugh):

Is... he an analyst? Let's just move on.

The page then flipped to Ohio State week, where Michigan was more than ready to drudge up the baggage from last year's L (the J.T. Barrett Spot ending).

Ohhh, man.

OHHHHH, man.

That said, this is the same team coached by a guy who visits Bo's grave the week of The Game, so I could understand their foxhole/us-against-them attitude.

...though not exactly piss and vinegar from Jimbo this week.

Making matters worse, Herbstreit and other various media members have tried to name Harbaugh as an NFL head coaching candidate, or possibly even UCLA. So Michigan fans have now turned to an old rival as their information savior.

So yeah, that's where we're at; what we're clinging to.

I'd elaborate on how bullshit this is, but Ohio State fans could very easily reply with "Psh, we won the national title with our QB3". To that, I say: WELL THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE SO GOOD BECAUSE LIFE DOESN'T EXIST AND HOPE DOESN'T EXIST AND YOU ARE A BRILLIANT FANCY PANTS TEAM WHO HANDLES ADVERSITY LIKE IT'S A BLESSING AND WHY IS THERE PIZZA EVERYWHERE AROUND ME WHY IS THERE PIZZA OUTSIDE MY DOOR WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY ALL THE TIME WHY CAN'T WE WIN THIS GOD DAMNED GAME  WYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Michigan is a two touchdown underdog at home.

Indiana at Purdue: 

Alabama (1) at Auburn (6): Game of the Week. Wait, is the Iron Bowl kinda cool now? Does a win keep 'Bama out of the SEC Title Game?

/checks

/changes mind about checking

Yeah, who knows. I do like when Sabes shows some personality, though. The lower tier of Tide Nation might have their own problems to deal with, however.

Wisconsin (5) at Minnesota: The only thing I might hate more than Iowa football and Michigan football is Wisconsin football. This team sucks. I mean, they don't suck at all -- they're pretty good. But they suck as a national contender. You know it, I know it, the world knows it. Please enjoy your free pass to Indy, Bucky. I look forward to Urban housing you, me improbably enjoying that outcome, then taking nine showers while we wait for Hornibrook's weird, left-handed passes to finally land.

Penn State (10) at Maryland: Remember when Penn State being good seemed like the most of our problems? How great would it have been if we beat them in Kinnick, destroyed Ohio State (like we DID)... but then had the same shitty outcomes against the bad teams? It would almost, somehow feel more fitting.

West Virginia at Oklahoma (4): Baker went and had himself a week, man.

Snubbed.

Crotch grabbed.

Apology.

Benched, kinda.

Still, I wanna take Deadspin to task for this tweet:

Dipshit? They snubbed him in the handshake line*, and he whooped that ass. I know we're all a little burned from Johnny Football's antics which led to his pro failure, but I'm not ready to shame Mayfield just yet. I certainly wouldn't trade his week for Will Grier's...

(* - all the Kansas guys got stripped of their captaincy going into this week, haha; imagine getting stripped of captaincy at Kansas)

Michigan State (16) at Rutgers: Me, on 11/9:

Lewerke. Brian Lewerke, has put up more fantasy points in my Big Ten only league than Nate Stanley and Saquon Barkley. I know, I don't believe it either. The only dudes above him are J.T. Barrett and Trace McSorley. How unreal is that?

Now look at these dates:

We know nothing... I know nothing... sports are bad.

But speaking of dates!

...OK.

Northwestern (22) at Illinois: None of you wanted any of that tOSU-Illinois massive spread bet. But my buddy Mark did partake...

Now, things started off well.

But they did not end well:

It was a fun dollar to lose.

Oregon State at Oregon: Oregon's pure, unarguable failure at this is one of the only things that still makes me feel good about myself.

Your turnover chain's bad and you should feel bad.

Clemson (3) at South Carolina (24): Unlike me, ol' Clemson Tom still has some life in him.

Time to strap up those chinstraps, boys. It’s officially Gamecock hate week. There aren’t many rivalries that carry this much hatred. I know what you’re thinking: your favorite team has a better rivalry than this one. I beg to differ!

We hate them with every ounce of energy we have. They are the most delusional, egotistical, classless fans I’ve ever encountered. They have a Alabama mouth with a Vanderbilt trophy case. [ed- LOL] When their team sucks, they start rooting for their conference. We’ve even nicknamed them the “SEC Gamecocks“. Don’t believe me? Simply find a South Carolina fan and ask what their thoughts are about Alabama. They do absolutely nothing to contribute to the success of the conference. Honestly, you can say that about any team in the conference minus Alabama. However, these idiots think they are a top tier program when all they ever had in their existence were short spurts of somewhat success. Imagine losing your mind because your team went to a bowl game.

I’m already getting stuff this week because they are excited they might keep it close. Think about that for second: excited that you’re going to lose, but the game will be closer than you expected.

When we play them in Columbia, their classless fans typically throw batteries at our players as we walk into the stadium, then throw more things at them while they’re on the sideline and when we exit the game. When we score a touchdown, make sure your eyes are focused in on the stands. I guarantee you there will be multiple fans flipping off our player who scored. These are the worst people in society.

Don’t believe me? Who in the hell would threaten a 2-year-old? You guessed it, South Carolina fans! True story, a nurse told me she would throw my son off the top of their stadium. Gotta love that Gamecock pride!

Now, I’m not gonna be the type of person that says Clemson has the most respectable fans in the world. I know we have our idiots just like every other fanbase. But when the majority of the fanbase is garbage... well, you must be in Columbia, South Carolina.

Hell, every week, a video is released of different sex being done in the parking lot, Porta Potty, and even in the stadium from some of their fans. It’s like they just got released from prison and don’t know what to do with themselves.

This season, they have only beaten one Power 5 team with a winning record. I literally cannot wait to beat the brakes off of them and shut 'em up. When we win, it will be the fourth straight game we have beaten them and will also be Dabo’s 100th win as head coach.

Did I mention I hate them?

Reinvigorating.

Texas A&M at LSU (18): Man, I don't know.

Also, LSU isn't particularly intriguing me on a week-to-week basis, so I've decided to start re-covering Leonard going forward.

Already paying off.

Notre Dame (8) at Stanford (21): How the hell is ND in the Top 10? Don't know, but I just ran into this from a few weeks ago:

Washington State (13) at Washington (17): APPLE CUP. So here's the deal: if Wazzu wins, we go to to the Pac 12 Title Game. If not...

/shudder

And to think, we might not even be in this position if it weren't for stupid Thursday games.

Washington, with nothing to play for, remains insane:

Holy hell, Jake Browning.

That is some "Exorcist" shit.

But even in different games, the Apple Cup is never far.

Eyes on you, dogs. Always.

Oh, also, the Cougs are coming off a bye. When we last heard from them?

/runs through a brick wall

/tiptoes back to the smashed wall

/picks up a brick

/throws it at washington

Colorado at Utah: Me, at the end of every college football Saturday.

Wrapping It Up...

Have an excellent Thanksgiving, thank you for reading this season, and please join me next week for the final Hybrid*.

(* - before another onslaught of 2018 happy misery)

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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