THE HYBRID: DANGEROUS DEATH CAKE

By Bobby Loesch on October 11, 2018 at 12:00 pm
Kirby Smart Gun Cake

© Dale Zanine-USA TODAY Sports

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The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

The Hybrid

"Age is a process of becoming steadily less sure."

Tuesday

N/A

Thursday

N/A

Friday Night Lights

South Florida (23) at Tulsa: It's always fun when South Florida is undefeated because we get to talk about that one time

Saturday

Minnesota at Ohio State (3): Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who has contributed to the Domestic Violence Intervention Program thus far. Ashlee Hopkins, their Development Coordinator, reached out:

Thanks so much for starting this campaign to raise money for DVIP and victim/survivors of domestic abuse. We appreciate you and we have already seen several donations from your group. Without donors like you, we wouldn't be able to support victims 24 hours a day/7 days a week. 

This column has existed in some iteration for 11 years, but nothing actually good ever came out of it until now. We are currently sitting at $555.24 (over halfway towards our goal of $1,000) with donations from yours truly, Karl Shuh, Joanne, Andrew (who donated a very perfect $55.24), TherealCatnuts, and Nerdhawk.

Florida (14) at Vanderbilt: /kinda rooting for Florida to be good again but not totally ready for Florida to be good again

Tennessee at Auburn (21): Ugh, Gus.

Rutgers at Maryland: Ah, my favorite time of the year: when we can sequester the miscreants.

Iowa at Indiana: Folks, this hurts me as much as I know it hurts you. While still unranked, we... might be cool now.

That is some Oregon-when-Oregon-was-untouchable shit. KF, meanwhile, is basically an action movie assassin now.

Even the Old Capitol Building got all modern on us.

I credit Brian Ferentz for all this. He's basically the Don Draper of our progr'm now.

Brian Ferentz Is "Mad", Man

Nebraska at Northwestern: /rolling with Scott Frost but maaaan it's just too good

Pittsburgh at Notre Dame (5): Got about a week and a half left of my "seven weeks with no chicken because Michigan football blacks out rainbows" bet. Got tested yesterday when I ordered a cold cut turkey wrap and the dude made a crispy chicken one on accident. Had to exchange it because of my awful principles.

Georgia (2) at LSU (13): Oh hell yeah -- Game of the Week. Can't even hit Georgia with cake jokes... unless there's some sort of dangerous death cake out there.

/googles

OK, there are a million pictures of gun-based cakes... but this one caught my eye in a different way.

Sexual Apology Cake

Washington (7) at Oregon (17): /drooling

It's a shame Oregon didn't get to play Stanford before the wheels loosened.

Michigan State at Penn State (8): Yeee, what a run of games.

Speaking of run, Mark Dantonio appears committed to not being cool at all.

Homeboy is really putting my joke about Michigan football's offense into potential reassignment.

Baylor at Texas (9): ...Texas at No. 9 seems like a bit of an overreaction. Still, that was a phenomenal Red River Shootout.

UCF (10) at Memphis: Aw man, Texas at No. 9 is even more of a bummer knowing it's at the expense of cool UCF.

Texas A&M (22) at South Carolina: No matter what you think of A&M -- boring? shitty? Jimbo'd? -- they have and will continue to have two fantastic losses ('Bama and Clemson).

Purdue at Illinois: Is... Illinois gonna be bowl eligible? Before you say "NO YOU DUMB DUMMY," they do have three wins and upcoming home games against Maryland and Nebraska. If they can find a sixth win somewhere in Lovie's beard, they'll be golden.

Also I'm leaving.

Missouri at Alabama (1): If you give me this:

I'll give you this:

Just so nobody gets this:

Full disclosure: Bill Belichick is my favorite sports anything ever, but even with that said... Saban is atomic awful. Exhibit 3,383: "Alabama wins by 34, Nick Saban still finds something to complain about" (emphasis mine).

“There’s a lot of things, and a lot of areas of our team, that we certainly need to improve,” Saban said after the 65-31 win. “Made a lot of mistakes on defense today. Didn’t play very well together as a unit. Had lots of opportunities to get off the field on third down, and just didn’t do it – which allowed them to extend drives.

“I don’t think we really beat the other team when you give up 31 points like we did today.”

Counterpoint: I think you did beat them, Joyless.

Clemson: Clemson Tom checks in without much to check in about.

Well, we are currently undefeated and heading into the bye. Next week is going to be a different story -- we have the jerks of North Carolina State coming to town. This week comes at a crucial time for our Tigers because we are a little banged up, and I think we could use a breather right about now.

So I’m just gonna sit back, drink some beers, and watch some college football. So have a cold one, and follow me on Twitter.

West Virginia (6) at Iowa State: I loved this so much, and the failure only made it better.

Who among us hasn't run this play in NCAA football to mixed success? This is the antithesis of the "fuck it, field goal block defense" when you're losing and it's not even fourth down yet.

Wisconsin (15) at Michigan (12): This of course got moved to a night game only after I bought tickets to see Restorations right across the street from my apartment. We'll have to successfully juggle this like Tru Wilson handled blocking those two dudes on one play.

Heck, I might just go actual Ben Mason on 'em.

(It was at this point the analogy stopped making sense.)

((Seriously, this band owns all levels of introspection))

* * *

This is worth no more than 21 seconds of your time:

Colorado (19) at USC: Feels like the Trojans haven't played in a month. They've been getting played, however.

Wyoming at Fresno State: Let's end with a great Lane Kiffin story.

Wrapping It Up...

Remember, no distance is insurmountable.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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