THE HYBRID: IT'S F*CK TIME.

By Bobby Loesch on November 21, 2018 at 2:15 pm
OH SHEA, CAN YOU SEE?
© Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports
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The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

What does "fuck time" mean to you?

To me, it's multifaceted. It could be, like, doing sex of course, but it also could be "FUCK WHY" or "We're fucked." or "FUCK YEAH!" It's a spectrum with dots all over the damn place.

College football sucks. I remembered this because nearly a year ago today, the revelation hit me like it always does:

November 2012:

January 2011:

This isn't a pattern, it's a lifestyle.

I root for three teams: Michigan, Washington State, and Iowa. Last year, Michigan State clean swept 'em. Since I started writing this column, my squads combine for an 8-14 bowl record -- its Iowa leading the pack with four of the wins (Wazzu has just one in the last 15 years).

Above all of team affiliations, I root for one player: Mikey Dudek. This year, he suffered his third season ending knee injury. I'd call it career ending but am still in complete denial (even though he doesn't appear to be).

Iowa trips when they shouldn't trip. Washington State cannot beat Washington. Like, at all. And, like clockwork, the Wikipedia table of The Game.

tOSU Winnerz

You know it's weird when you're mad Ohio State's win in 2010 didn't get the scarlet box it deserved because the dumb win was vacated.

Why are you getting so dire, man? Michigan and Wazzu are on the cusp of the Playoff!

Ohhhhhh no. You sweet, fake person. While technically true, there's also a scenario where neither gets in and Ohio State does. What's even dumber is thinking any of this matters as Alabama is still spitting out cars. But I'm week-to-week, you know? At the very least, I can go blinders on as it pertains to that.

We'll get into the Cougs a little below, because I'd really like to focus on M. This year reminds me a lot of 2011. As you may or may not know, it was the only time Michigan (Denard, who transcends Michigan) beat Ohio State in the last eleventy billion years. The exasperated predetermination beforehand was striking. Palpable, even. From yours truly: It's Time For Michigan To Win The Game (via SBN Chicago).

This week, while wrapped up in my hatred for everything, I can't let this get overshadowed -- Michigan is playing Ohio State in Ann Arbor, and they are favored.

That's all the parallels we nee--nope, let's keep going.

I hope Michigan wins this game. Everyone knows The Hybrid is really just me complaining and making bad jokes, but, thinking deeper, I'd almost attest the root of all my CFB insanity comes from Michigan's horrible losing streak against Ohio State. I'm going to look through the archives and see what kind of crazy crap I've said in the past about The Game. Hold up.

Uh oh.

2007 (picked an inferior M over tOSU out of emotion):

My passion is starting to override my logical thought right now, because I'm considering picking Michigan.

I can't. I won't. Fuck it.

The Pick: Michigan. For Lloyd.

Wow, I already feel stupid.

2009:

If you ever find yourself in the worst state in the world, probably somewhere near the Columbus area, head over to Tressel's mansion. Come in through the front door, walk past the foyer, and probably through a hallway or two until you find his study/chamber area. There, you'll find an old wooden chest, probably in a corner. There are two locks on the outside of it. Inside is my soul.

[...]

I've had a lot of really weird ideas when it comes to watching the game this year. Part of me thought about watching it naked. Like some sort of weird baptism-y thing. Part of me wanted to put on layers and layers of clothes and just curl up in the fetal position until I started sweating out the demons of Tressel and The Game. This game reduces me to this.

2010 (followed through on the weird idea):

Well... I, uh, did the naked thing. It did not work. And getting dressed as the final seconds ticked off the clock was shameful and pathetic, as it should of been. I was so alone.

[...]

Michigan gets the game at home next year. Denard will be a junior, if still alive. That's a good base. But 2011 is for 2011. This is 2KX. We'll see how it plays out. As always: fuck you, Tressel.

The weirdest part? Though Michigan eventually did win the next year, in the grand scheme of things, it didn't matter. They lost the next six -- and my dumb ass predicted it that fateful 2011 day:

This year, Michigan is favored -- again: favored -- by, like, a touchdown, and they really should win. New, stupid problem: ***** ***** is rumored to be the next head coach at Ohio State, but he keeps shooting down reports claiming just that. My best guess? Ohio State loses the game, but then ***** accepts the job right after it ends. It's the same move the Yankees did when they announced A-Rod's extension minutes after the Red Sox won their most recent World Series. So a) it takes credit away from Michigan finally beating Ohio State, and b) it takes heat off Ohio State losing because they'll (media and tOSU alums/fans/students) be so excited for *****. Man, if that happens...

It happened, guy.

I'm not even nervous for the game this year. I'm pissed off. I hate college football, the streak needs to end, and I have a bottle of Rosé sitting in my fridge that will be eliminated once the game is over.

In the same "even good is bad" way that ties this whole intro together, I consumed the entirety of that celebratory bubbly after Denard beat the Buckeyes... on an empty stomach and in 30 minutes after a few beers as well. It was the most I've ever thrown up from drinking. My then roommate's mom was at our place and actually left because she thought I was suffering from an intense bout of the flu.

We are at a crossroads again with this rivalry. It's sports -- follow long enough, and sometimes you can just feel the sea change verging. Many people involved now may not be involved at this time next year. What happens next matters and has consequences.

So what do you do when wins are losses, losses are absolute losses, and 'good' is really just the flutter of light when bad chooses to momentarily subside?

You fuck, man.

The Hybrid

"Happiness can be just as scary as sadness because it is far easier to lose."

Tuesday

Ball State at Miami (OH): 

Thursday

N/A

Friday Night Lights

Texas (15) at Kansas: Welcome back, Mad Hatter.

...and mad hair dye?

Also, poor Bevo.

Why do they keep stylizing his name in all caps like he's JAY Z or something?

Tom Herman ain't worried much.

That is seriously incredible.

Nebraska at Iowa: Ahem: BA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Noah Fant coming back to Iowa -- especially if he said something about getting more snaps -- might top Tom Brady's obsession with winning Patriot of the Week. Also, how does that coaches meeting go? ("We don't like you. Please stay or leave or whatever.")

UCF (9) at South Florida: If you really wanna lose a lot of time in your day, may I recommend this Twitter thread?

Spencer Hall found what is probably the best one:

I say "probably" because after spending 20 minutes on this, I feel like I saw less than half.

Oklahoma (6) at West Virginia (9): Well, we did it. Can't believe I'm gonna root against Kyler.

Washington (18) at Washington State (8): Fuck all y'all.

You are coming to where we are, and we are killing you.

And gunning for style points.

For the Hawkeyes here still skeptical of the piled on passing, here is some defense to sooth your boring heart.

Anyone rooting for the Huskies can stop reading now and not come to this site anymore and also unfollow other writers here who have nothing to do with this. Real talk, real shit.

Saturday

Michigan (4) at Ohio State (10):  ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, you god damn fucks

Game of the Week. The Game.

game

Game?

Georgia Tech at Georgia (5): Gotta love someone with a sense of humor.

Some love more than others.

(She's married, dog.)

Syracuse (12) at Boston College (20): Nope, not at all.

Purdue at Indiana: Come on, bro.

So yeah, we're rooting for Purdue to win/Brohm to... leave? I kinda don't want him to leave.

Auburn at Alabama (1): Auburn's gonna (lose) the football game!

Maryland at Penn State (14): Yo, let's make Franklin-to-USC happen.

In all honesty, it'd probably be better for all of us if he stayed.

Illinois at Northwestern: There's still a scenario where Northwestern wins our damn division but also goes .500. What a league.

Minnesota at Wisconsin: Had y'all heard of these jackets? I hadn't until a buddy obsessively kept pointing them out. He seems to think they're a "Chicago thing" and says he hasn't seen them in the 'burbs.

I obviously was going to buy one until the price tag made that an "or nah" real fast. Some, however, don't need expensive or cheap coats.

Temple at UConn: this is sick

Rutgers at Michigan State: Why yes, I did finish the column without noticing this game. The reason it's even here? This tweet reminded me:

One of those "this seems too fake and good to be true, but it's Dantonio so it's of course true" moments. How many damn different excuses do these guys get to use? Spin the wheel again, Mark.

South Carolina at Clemson (2): Clemson Tom and I stand together in disdain of enemies.

Rivalry week in college football. My Clemson Tigers have a night game in Death Valley. We take on the always cocky but never successful South Carolina Gamecocks. Every week, I always tell you how bad I hate the team that we are playing... hatred is a word that isn’t strong enough. 

Their fans are the worst, their tailgates are the worst, everything about them sucks. Their souls are dead. Have you ever seen the "Mad Max" movie? That’s what the tailgate scene looks like in Columbia, South Carolina. They probably filmed the "Walking Dead" during a game. It doesn’t matter who they play, their fans always throw water bottles at the opposing team and fans. I wish I was making this up just for story's sake, but they are truly this bad.

Every week, something comes up about someone catching their fans getting it on at the tailgate or even some person getting a handy in the stadium. Don’t believe me? Just google “gamecock tailgate sex”. 

We’re gonna hang 50+ on them, and they’ll still chant “SEC” 'cause they all love 'Bama and live vicariously through them.

I truly hate these idiots.

When I finished editing this, I breathed in a sigh of relief. Have you ever done that before? It was like I wanted to keep the soul of all hate inside of me for at least the next three days. College football, man.

Kansas State at Iowa State (16): Another thing from the 2011 column? This Iowa State section after they beat then Top 5 Okie State:

This is not hyperbole: the OSU win was the most likely the greatest football moment in the history of Iowa State football. I say that not to be disrespectful but mindful of how momentous that moment was for the progr'm. Great win, 'Clones. Sure, you ruined everything, big picture, but you balled-so-hard against the No. 2 team in the nation.

"Momentous that moment"... great phrasing, dumbass. That was back when I was writing for a Chicago-based audience that really couldn't check me on a claim like that. What do y'all think? What are Iowa State's, like, Top 3 biggest college football moments of all-time? I will accept sarcastic and genuine replies.

Colorado at California: Prolly no snowballs at this one.

Please watch until the end where you can see the real banana heroes.

LSU (7) at Texas A&M: Pile of puke.

Notre Dame (3) at USC: Southern Cal, you spectacular failures. The time has come to be interesting. Might have to watch this game with my bet foe, Z.W. Martin.

Wrapping It Up...

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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