THE HYBRID: DAVE PORTNOY IS A DAMN DISGRACE

By Bobby Loesch on November 30, 2018 at 12:01 pm
Dave Portnoy Is Not A Michigan Man lol jk that label means nothing to me
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The Hybrid is a weekly go fuck yourself preview, plus relevant or whimsy GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD WHY IS MICHIGAN FOOTBALL THIS WAY from the national slate

Last weekend started like this, but then it was like this:

Sorry, all.

Yeeeeeeup.

Then we got this guy:

I generally try not to comment on people in the media who aren't good because it just gives them a platform, and I know Barstool has a loyal following, isn't just him, and there's probably some crossover with the people who read this site, but come on, man. I know you're mad -- I'm mad! -- but an apology? From unpaid guys half your age probably hurt already toughing out an L on national television? You're coming off a little Comic Book Guy.

Comic Book Guy:
Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?

Comic Book Guy:
As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.

Bart Simpson:
What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.

Comic Book Guy:
Worst episode ever.

I probably wouldn't have said anything at all if it weren't for the weird way he tweets.

The double spaces? The no period at the end? Is this his first time with a keyboard? Also, the "Get better" is as entitled as it gets.

Chase seems to be taking it in stride:

The only other garbage left to address is the sanctimonious 'Michigan Man' shit. For a label that is supposed to exist to big up people, it really seems to only surface in these "holier than thou" moments. It's basically as hollow as "True Yankee" or "Big Ten" at this point. Also, you want players who maybe played in The Game once to apologize for 15 years of losing from three regimes ago? Good luck with that.

So yeah, he sucks.

The Hybrid

"When the house is burning, people tell the truth."

Friday Night Lights

Utah (17) at Washington (11): Huskies. Again... man.

You really can't even be mad. Also, who does that sound like? It sounds like Iowa. That's who it sounds like. I find it weirdly comforting to know two programs so philosophically different when it comes to offense and excitement can catch the same shit.

Good luck, Washington. Enjoy the not-Playoff like everyone else.

Saturday

Michigan football: This team, program, and fans shatter my psyche. I've said this before, but following them is by far the worst part of my easy, relatively challenge-less life. Here are other people talking about it.

Rodger Sherman:

And now, everything that made this season special for Michigan is gone. Shot at the playoff? Gone. Shot at the Big Ten Championship? Gone. Now, Ohio State is the one with a chance of winning the national championship. All that’s left for Michigan are the unceasing, cacophonous voices saying everything Michigan doesn’t want to hear: That Harbaugh can’t win the big game, that Ohio State owns the rivalry. And those voices have more evidence than ever.

Michigan will have to wait another year. But there’s no guarantee that next year will be as good as this one. And even if everything does go right for the Wolverines next season, their fans will know not to get too excited about it. After all, they will still have to beat Ohio State at the end of the year. And The Game is just different. Even when the better team seems obvious, Ohio State still beats Michigan.

This is what college football does. It makes sure that the biggest game of the year is also the game against the opponent you hate the most, ensuring that this one SuperGame is the most important one on the calendar for both your brain and your heart. And that game is always scheduled all the way at the end of the year, which gives you 364 days to hope and believe that things will be different.

And then college football crushes you. It happened to Michigan. It also happened to Washington State: The 10-1 Cougars were the last remaining hope for the Pac-12 to make the Playoff, and could have qualified for the Pac-12 Championship Game with a win against Washington Friday night. But for the sixth time in a row, Wazzu lost to Washington, and it all went away. 

Not sure how the Wazzu callout got into a Michigan only column, but I'm happy we're here.

Adam Schnepp:

Everything else is a blur, save this: damn near the entirety of Ohio Stadium on the field, a roiling red wave rejoicing to one of stadium rock’s most grating anthems, Neil Diamond’s “Sweet Caroline.”

I have no idea where Michigan goes from here. There’s a bowl game to be played, the emotional letdown of which is similar to but an order of magnitude greater than 2016. The Revenge Tour flopped, replaced by Urban’s Redemption Tour. That’s bullshit. So was this game. 

Some people are poison.

Pete Thamel:

In the lexicon of defining Harbaugh losses to Ohio State, this a different caliber of disaster than Michigan’s double-overtime implosion here two years ago, one that Harbaugh fueled with a foolish sideline penalty. On the tasting menu of soul-crushing Harbaugh defeats, this will be remembered as the Great Surrender, the worst defensive performance against Ohio State in the 115 meetings between the schools.

Brian Cook:

I don't buy this one. The one where Ohio State fires one of their coaches for abusing his wife before the season, and Urban Meyer skates. The one where Ohio State loses by 29 to Purdue and barely squeaks out victories over half the Big Ten that Michigan is simultaneously paving. The one where the same team that came one three yard pass to a wide open receiver away from losing to Maryland waltzes through, yes, the #1 defense in the country like it is not there. I know, now. I know this is not a random universe that happens to fall into a maximally painful configuration. I know this is one specifically directed to cause pain, and in that knowledge is… well, not exactly power, but mitigation.

I know what's coming, now, Satan. Bring it on.

Harbaugh needs to be fired or radically change his philosophy on offense. It's 2018, not Adam and Eve. Stop running the ball for no yards intentionally every other down. You have a 5-star QB, 5-star WRs, and usually reliable TEs. During the game, one of the announcers was like "This really isn't a quick strike offense". And though he wasn't wrong, that shouldn't be something we just accept as truth. How do you look at Oklahoma (on O, at least) and not think "This is what we need to be." No more smashmouth--IT AIN'T NO JOKE.

/leaves

/comes back

I mean, hoops doe?

Surely this can't be spun for sadness!

Ah, yeah.

USC: Everything is bad, but this was cool.

I liked the dog.

Purdue: Congrats on keeping Brohm. I'm torn, as I didn't really want him to leave -- it genuinely has been fun watching this build up -- but obviously him staying makes the conference harder. But fuck, maybe we need that. It's... time?

Baylor. Or Texas Tech.:

The Only Good Thing About The Apple Cup:

bluhhh

Georgia Tech: Happy trails, coach.

It's easy to mock the triple option, but I always chose to celebrate the diversity his offense brought to college football's rich tapestry; always wish they coulda made a national run at it for a season or two.

Iowa: This was nice.

This was nice.

This was nice.

This was hardcore.

Wisconsin: Over football... but man, this guy.

Luckily the Internet took care of him.

Go Hawks.

Texas (14) vs. Oklahoma (5): 

OU is my bandwagon for the rest of this season. So what probably happens now is tOSU vaults them for the playoff and Kyler plays baseball forever.

Drake at ISU (23): ...so they're really gonna do it.

Stanford at Cal: Yo, what the hell is this.

/checks to make sure this isn't a rescheduled game because something bad happened

Oh man. I am sorry.

Oregon State: woof

Kansas: Forgot to include this last week, but it doesn't seem any less appropriate.

Ole Miss: sup dude

We missed you this year.

Memphis at UCF (8): That poor QB. Going on record one last time to say if this team -- schedule or not -- goes undefeated for two straight years and doesn't sniff (let alone make) the Playoff, this sport is broken and we need to expand.

Alabama (1) vs. Georgia (4): Two things.

1) Genuinely pleased that we reached the end of the regular season without me knowing how to pronounce "Tagovailoa". I don't say that in a "embrace ignorance 'murica" way -- it's more to do with how little I've watched the Tide live. Also, everyone just calls him Tua anyway, so who really cares?

2) Been thinking about this scenario an unreasonable amount:

Totally agree with the "drop but make the playoff" majority. Again: this sport is dumb and broken.

Clemson (2) vs. Pittsburgh: For the final time this year, Clemson Tom.

Well, we ended up beating the Gamecocks just like I told you we would. Though they did decide to put together the best game ever, we still beat that ass. They been dragging all week about how they somewhat kept it close and everything else. How horrible of a team do you have to be to brag about a loss? Welcome to Gamecocks football!

This week we play Pittsburgh for yet another ACC Championship. Last time we played, they almost ruined our championship season. You can bet your last dollar we are going to curb stomp the ever living poo poo out of these Panthers from Pittsburgh. The only Panther team I root for is out of Dillon. Texas forever.

After we beat Pittsburgh, we will probably go to the Orange bowl and face Notre Dame. That is unless the committee decides to not have Alabama play in the Cotton Bowl because it would be a "home game" for Oklahoma. Right, just like playing Alabama in the Sugar Bowl wasn’t a home game for Alabama. The committee shows so much favoritism -- they're all full of crap. That’s a different article, for different week. Just know I think every decision they make is based off of money. 

I hope y'all had a great Thanksgiving, Ohio State can suck it, and go Tigers.

He's perfect.

Northwestern (21) at Ohio State (6): Can't tell you how fitting it feels to end the season's final Hybrid with this game. The evil. The annoying. The no Iowa. The no Michigan. This game has layers. This game just hurts.

Thank you one last time to all of the readers who helped push us over our season goal of $1,000 donated to DVIP: TherealCatnuts, Karl S., Nerdhawk, Joanne, Andrew, Paige, Nick, the HawkeyeCurmudgeon, Dave Hartig, txhawkeye, Nick L., Hawkguy, Ryan L., and yours truly. It is never too late to contribute to the prevention of domestic violence. Donate here. It's the realest thing we ever did.

Wrapping It Up...

“Without feeling that there is at least one other person who understands us—who sees us in all our splendor AND our shame—we cannot be well.”

Community. Family. Unity. Pithy comments. I cannot thank y'all enough for another wonderful season at this site. Though the lows of course outweighed the highs -- it is college football, after all -- a lot that happened in 2018 will stick. The aforementioned DVIP success and generosity, Fant going on a milk carton (then pro!), bloody KF, a homecoming trip to Iowa City, my visit to Rutgers (kidding but kinda seriously), Kyler Murray's ascension, and Alabama lingering over us all (/saves that last part to include in the 2028 column). The Playoff will hopefully sort this all out like it tends to. And to the man we contractually cannot mention: I am coming for you in 2019, relentlessly.

To my brothers, sisters, and gender fluid in black and gold, I will avoid an Irish goodbye and end with the only band who gets me through.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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