THE HYBRID: ALABAMALEXA

By Bobby Loesch on September 12, 2019 at 11:50 am
© John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports
ALABAMA IS ALEXA
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The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

Was watching that Michigan-Army debacle on a patio with my wife and two friends. It was such a beautiful day. It's funny, we complain about the weather in the Midwest, and ever year, September usually gives us two pretty beautiful weeks post-Labor Day, but by then, we go into football mode and coop up indoors anyway. This was the opposite of that.

Iowa was cruising -- the other couple = two Hawkeye fans -- someone was monitoring the game on a phone, so we decided to enjoy halftime on their deck with some beers and food. Well, halftime turned into the next few hours, but I couldn't fully, fully unburden. Because Michigan football.

I had the game on an iPad in the corner of the table. Despite the fumbles, offensive futility, potential QB1 injury -- IT'S ONLY WEEK 2, HOW HOW HOW HOW HOW -- and loss itself, I did not mention the game all that much.

Army then lined up to kick a 50-yard FG with a dude who had never attempted a college kick before. I mean, how god damn fitting would that've been?

He missed.

Michigan won in 2OT, and as I watched the Big House cheer and players gleefully storm the field... it felt like nothing but a shitty void. Almost like how a sociopath watches the joy of others and understand that yes, they are happy... but why?

There really is not a sport like this one. Early season wins can somehow feel worse than losses.

It's bad.

yes

The Hybrid

“My theory about quarterbacks, having written about some of them, is you either have to believe in god or think you are a god.”

Friday Night Lights

Washington State (20) at Houston: Well, the Cougs' young season could very well come crashing down while I'm watching Blink-182 or Jawbreaker at Riot Fest. That'd... that'd be something.

(Side bar: who should I favor? Jawbreaker is obviously significantly cooler, but I've them twice since their initial reunion, and it's been a minute since I've seen Blink; not sure I ever have with Skiba/love Travis a lot. Early odds are Blink, but I sure do hate myself.)

(Side bar to the side bar: Thought more about it... and it's probably gonna be Blink. More of my people will be there, you know? Community/unity/etc.)

Also, I know we are supposed to be getting more and more up to speed on the new Wazzu QB each week (I already forgot his name), but it's hard with the second-to-last one making waves in the NFL. Amid the great content was this greatest content.

Saturday

Arkansas State at Georgia (3): Georgia continues to do literally nothing interesting. Getting lapped by their former coach at this point.

Ohio State (6) at Indiana: Whatever, whatever, whatever. You can't even win a punting award without it turning controversial.

Adam, tell them why this is wrong:

Upon going down 7-0 early, Rutgers implemented Operation Field Position, using its ultimate weapon: punter Adam Korsak. KORSAKBOT 5000 punted 10 times for 476 yards, and his first four punts went thusly:

  • 48 yards, -3-yard return, ball at the Iowa 3
  • 47 yards, downed, ball at the Iowa 11
  • 41 yards, fair catch, ball at the Iowa 8
  • 32 yards, fair catch, ball at the Iowa 3 (after a holding penalty)

That is a field position nightmare that helped keep the score close—for a while—and it took a 97-yard touchdown drive off the last punt to drag the game out of that rut. 

The punting exhibition was only getting started. The Mighty Korsak, who is now our Heisman front-runner—we're only half-kidding—opened the second half with a nice 69-yard punt that was downed at the Iowa 1. After Iowa punted its way out of the hole, Korsak kicked them right back in 300-style with a 48-yarder to the 2.

The Internet, like all people, did not forget.

Your enemies are your friends are your enemies. It even got write up status:

This post has more tweets embedded than your actual Twitter timeline, I swear.

I'm not done.

These dumb shitheads:

Most gleeful I've been to post a Rovell tweet in years.

Pittsburgh at Penn State (13): Starting to think Penn State might be good. This is not ideal, but I will continue to hold out hope.

Maryland (21) at Temple: Is Maryland cool now? I swear they've scored, like, 150 points over the first two weeks.

/actually looks it up + adds

Ha, outscored Syracuse and Howard, 142-20. To quote King James, SHEESH.

Eastern Michigan at Illinois: Longtime readers remember MIKEY MANIA, a terrible fire banner I created to celebrate the weekly accomplishments of Illinois WR (and hometown hero) Mikey Dudek.

MM

Well, Z.W. Martin created...

DONNY DERANGEMENT

...BANNER ME.

BANNER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

DONNY DERANGEMENT

The checkerboard background even adds to its perfect knockoff element. Though "Ol' Crazy Arm" Brandon Peters threw for a very nice 4 TDs -- and WR Donny Navarro did not register a catch -- he did have (/looks uptwo punt returns for (/looks upseven total yards.

Not sure if that qualifies for derangement status, but ya gotta start somewhere.

New Mexico at Notre Dame (7): Speaking of Z.W., he is very sadly back from the ND bye week with another addition of what he calls the "ZYBRID".

Notre Dame welcomes undefeated... you know what? Fuck this. As I've gotten older, my fandom has basically been reduced to Cubs baseball and Notre Dame football. The rest is garnish. When you root for a garbage team, there is a moment in your childhood when you realize you're rooting for a garbage team. Jeff Blauser was that moment for me as a Cubs fan.

Jeff B.

For the Irish? Bob Davie. Davie took over for Lou Holtz after the 1996 regular season. Still within sniffing distance of success, and the Notre Dame brass reeking of arrogance, the Irish chose to skip the bowl season entirely.

Still, that's not good enough for 8-3 Notre Dame, even though it defeated only one Top 25 team all season and lost to unranked Air Force and Southern California.

"Going to a bowl simply because it would be an attractive place to spend a week would not be the reason (to go)," Wadsworth said. "The (players and coaches) are not looking for a week on a beach somewhere. They're looking for a real opportunity."


Notre Dame would not win a bowl game for another 13 years. Against Hawaii.

Davie was fired five years later after his second five-win season, turning the Irish into a program that couldn't recruit nationally and officially started the "is Notre Dame even relevant?" period of college football history.
I can say all this because Bob Davie coaches New Mexico now. Avenge my childhood, Irish.

ZW Question of the Week

Who ruined your sports fan childhood? (On your team or an opposing team.)

Random Picture of a Guy at Starbucks on Monday

Leppy

Go Irish!

Akron at Central Michigan: When "I really hope this is real!" turns into "Why is this real why."

Alabama (2) at South Carolina: Let's start with the bad because college football is bad. While the headline pissed me off, Saban was patient and did an OK job articulating his point... before the wheels completely break off in the last 15 seconds.

The real Sabes came out eventually.

This had me wondering... is Alabama actually more of a cowardly bully than anything else?

You know it's bad when Troy's coming out the woodwork for a shank.

Or maybe they're more of an insecure significant other?

Woof. The worst part is me thinking that really isn't that bad of an idea. That said, I have three Alexa devices in a two-bedroom loft apartment.

* * *

South Carolina, meanwhile, has the late Tyler Hillinski's younger brother playing QB now, and he did this: 

It was a touching, pure, and familiar gesture; nothing from last week choked me up more. Alabama is gonna snuff this so bad.

Stanford at UCF (17): Ooh, really like this game. One of the more popular underdog teams of the last three years vs. David Shaw, who will punt his way to the moon one day.

Army at UTSA: All I have left is pretending Zach Charbonnet is on different team/his accomplishments are separate.

Georgia Southern at Minnesota: P.J. Fleck probably did something annoying this week, but it did not hit my radar, so let's just marvel at this dude's (not) SEC Speed.

UNLV at Northwestern: /yawn

Arizona State at Michigan State (18): Sparty put up 51 points (and 582 yards) against Western Michigan, so maybe the offense isn't the dud zero Dantonio thought it was?

Iowa (19) at Iowa State: GameDayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Game of the Week. This is what I've always envisioned for the rivalry. Two undefeated teams, a speck of prestige, actual national interest. This may be as good as it ever gets (...Iowa State is not even ranked, haha). But still! Still!

Before the Michigan iPad fiasco, my original column intro was going to be something like "We have to fully be in on Nate Stanley now", but honestly, there will hopefully be bigger games for that. I think we got this.

* * *

We all say we should pay more attention to the O-line, but...

...do we really wanna know?

Idaho State at Utah (11): Does this seem high for Utah? Seems a little off that a team like them could make it to late September in the Top 10 without playing a single ranked team.

More interestingly, Southern Utah's defense gave us this wonderful highlight vs. UNI.

Kent State at Auburn (8): Mehhhhh.

Florida (9) at Kentucky: This game is also boring, so let's talk about Montana Tech. True heads might remember the week I adopted them as my favorite team after Michigan took some bad L, while the Diggers -- ROLL DAMN DIGS -- put up 93 in their game and made national headlines. Did they lose on an FG the very next week because college football can't even let your best case scenario be real? You know it. But one of their coaches went viral this week, and it warmed my heart:

He's more one liner than man.

Clemson (1) at Syracuse: Clemson Tom has revenge on his mind this week (even though the Tigers did beat Syracuse last year).

I told you we would beat Texas A&M like it was nobody’s business. Jimbo had them boys faking cramps just to slow down our high-powered offense -- it didn’t work! Just for story's sake, Jimbo has always had his players fake injuries to slow down a spread offense. Check the tapes.

This week we go off to play Syracuse. Now, Syracuse and Clemson have a little bit of a rivalry. Syracuse did beat us a few years ago, which was actually a good thing. That loss really motivated the team to get their stuff together to go on a national championship run. Syracuse isn’t even on the same playing field as Clemson, and that is why they always try to hurt our players. Also check the tape. They did a cheap shot on Trevor and got him knocked out for the entire game last year. What do you expect from no talent Yankees?

Trevor is going to have a little bit of revenge factor flowing through his veins this weekend. He wants to light them up because they lit him up. Expect us to cover the spread.

The real Orangemen are going to be victorious in the Carrier Dome this weekend.

We play real football in the South.

Also, told CT I was gonna end the section with this:

His response?

Northwestern State at LSU (4): Was dead wrong about LSU's chances against Texas* and could not be happier. QB Joe Burrow threw for 471 yards and 4 TDs. Even more impressive, the Tigers had three WRs go over 100 yards receiving. LSU's Achilles heel has always been at QB, so if they truly have fixed this, they are officially a problem going forward.

(* - though only lost the spread pick by .5, uggggggh)

Hawai'i at Washington (23): Aright, Huskies -- finally ready to talk about you. What's that? What happened last week?

BAAAAAA-hahahahahaha.

You'll always have this.

/waddles away like a chicken

Oklahoma (5) at UCLA: ehhh

Northern Illinois at Nebraska: Aright, jerks -- I was wrong about the Huskers. Hope/very much know you're all happy.

Portland State at Boise State (22): Weaponized babies.

Wrapping It Up...

It will turn on you. It can, and it will.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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