THE HYBRID: WHAT'S YOUR BEST NON-ATHLETIC SPORTS SKILL?

By Bobby Loesch on September 19, 2019 at 12:00 pm
KNOW YOUR LIMITS, KNOW YOUR MORTALITY
© Tommy Gilligan-USA TODAY Sports
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The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

The Hybrid

"My whole life is the wrong porn link."

Thursday

N/A

Friday Night Lights

Utah (10) at USC: Welcome back, Reggie. Go fuck yourself, Urban.

(And get the ink dry on that USC deal!)

#TheNewContract

Air Force at Boise State (20): 

Saturday

Southern Mississippi at Alabama (2): Ugh, Alabama's out of conference schedule sucks. Almost as much as their kicking for the last 11.2 years.

Alabama has missed more field goals (98) than any other FBS team since 2007. 

We'll always have Julio playing excellent temporary defense.

LSU (4) at Vanderbilt: Not sure I've ever written about this in The Hybrid, but one of my favorite things to talk about: sports-related things you think you'd be good at that aren't actually athletic, per se. Some examples with self-analysis:

  • Being the person that holds the bench back after a cool play in basketball (weak wingspan, couldn't be a top contender for the job)
  • Being the person who catches the ball for the QB while warming up on the sideline so they don't risk hurting a finger (ehhh, 60-40 at this, they'd usually be short passes, so probably doable)
  • Being the person right in front of the kickoff returner who tells him not to take it out of the end zone (I know mortality and limitations... I'd be amazing at this; the dude who is actually catches the ball is always way too gassed up/full of belief -- that's where your boy comes in) 
  • Being the dude who tries-and-very-much-fails to talk down the agro who wants to fight (do this all the time in pickup basketball with great results)
  • Warming up the punter (probably the easiest of this group... who gives a shit if you don't catch it?... but can you get the ball back without having to take too many steps on your throw?!)

Anyway:

Tennessee at Florida (9): Tim Tebow sucks and has always sucked, so you can only add this to the pile, really.

How close was he to crying? WE SIMPLY CANNOT LET THESE POOR PEOPLE MAKE MONEY BECAUSE I DIDN'T WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH--

Let's let someone more socially aware weigh in:

Done and done.

OK, done for real.

* * *

This is a wonderful sign.

Michigan (11) at Wisconsin (13): 

Haha. I expect a great Michigan loss or one of those wins where you hate yourself too much to function after. Win-win!

California (23) at Ole Miss: Got nothin', so the impeccable new Menzos single goes here.

Elon at Wake Forest: Do we like the video more...

...or the still?

The video has the fluidity of the move, while the still captures its brilliant apex. Too close to call, really.

Boston College at Rutgers: Is the ACC the Rutgers of conferences?

This BC fan can be the visual representation of Clemson's place at the table in the national conversation compared to its conference brethren.

UL Monroe at Iowa State: Really felt bad about the ending of the game, until...

UConn at Indiana: My pre-writing simply had this note: "Penix got hurt."

That's enough, right?

Ah, fine -- I'll google.

"Hoosiers uncertain of Penix's status for Connecticut game":

They might not know until Saturday morning: Coach Tom Allen told reporters Monday his injured starting quarterback will likely a game-time decision for the second straight week.

Get right, young king.

Penix remains undefeated as Indiana's starting QB.

Michigan State at Northwestern: Sparty. Sparty, Sparty, Sparty. Z.W. Martin is here with barrels of cold water.

Miami (OH) at Ohio State (6): That's right -- these dumb assholes are playing an entirely non-Power Five out-of-conference schedule.

Auburn (8) at Texas A&M (17): Decently cool game... yet, I feel nearly nothing.

Cam.

Feelin' more.

UCF (15) at Pittsburgh: UCF is gonna go undefeated for four straight years, aren't they*?

(* - with minimal national results to show for it)

Iowa: After the injustice with the Rutgers punter last week, happy to see the Special Teams award righted the ship.

Also, sometimes non-TDs can get lost in the shuffle -- particularly when a rivalry game ends with Sonic coins -- but the tweeter of this tweet nailed it right here:

Great damn execution. Also, to quote Quavo, "ALL ANGLES":

Washington (22) at BYU: when you hate the huskies but love huskies, huskies

SMU at TCU (25): Bleh.

South Alabama at UAB: Ohhhhh, this kick.

Kentucky at Mississippi State: What was so dope about this catch is I thought he caught it at the peak of his jump -- like a routine play -- before realizing all at once what actually transpired ("I mean, that wasn't that coo--OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!")

Oregon (16) at Stanford: David Shaw. David Shaw, David Shaw, David Shaw. 45-27 loss to UCF. The Cardinal (/presses thumbs into eyes) are 1-2. David Shaw remains on the moon.

Old Dominion at Virginia (21): (Hacky sportswriter alert)

Fun game... if it was *basketball*.

Southern Illinois at Arkansas State: Five year anniversary of the most I've ever laughed at a college football play.

"The fake death! His groin! It works on so many levels."

Roll it again.

Charlotte at Clemson (1): Clemson Tom is here to gloat, be a touch subdued, then dive headfirst into self-promotion.

What I tell you, Bobby? I told you. Let me say it again for the people in the back row: Clemson is your reigning national champion, and we just put a hurting on Syracuse. Now, the word around town is people are a little upset with how slow Clemson starts out this season. You can get upset all you want, but we are still beating everyone on our schedule, and just like I told you last week, we did cover that spread.

This week, we have a cakewalk. We play the 49ers [ed- wow, that is actually their real mascot] out of Charlotte, who have only had a football team for about five years now. It is going to be a night game, so make sure you tailgate early in the day. There’s not a lot of trash I can say right now because Charlotte has only graduated one class of football seniors. So expect our backups to get a lot of playing time, and just sit back and enjoy the Saturday God has created.

Make sure you follow me on Twitter, as I’m killing it in sports betting this year. 13-1 on the season. That one loss came from a stupid targeting penalty that never should’ve happened.

Whatever, put bacon in your grits.

Notre Dame (7) at Georgia (3): Game of the Week. The *one* time the Zybrid would make sense, Z.W. emails me nothing and wastes time tweeting about MSU. He did txt this yesterday:

ZYBRID

Fuuuuuuuck.

Have fun, Irish!

Notre Dame is a -14.5 point underdog. That even surprised my hatin' ass. Also, for those hypothetically arguing this isn't a GOTW candidate because of immense blowout potential surely have not watched Notre Dame eat shit on a national stage before.

Nebraska at Illinois: BANNER ME.

DONNY DERANGEMENT

Sure, Illinois fell to Eastern Michigan, but our man Donny Navarro registered his first catch of the season. Had the vid but (of course) lost it, but I'm sure words can do it justice.

Incredible.

Colorado at Arizona State (24): 

UCLA at Washington State (19): Many stray Wazzu items...

- Beat Houston on the road last Friday (still a clean 3-0)

- This cheerleader scared the hell out of everyone

- NFL starting QB Gardner Minshew called Cougs QB Alex Gordon "Gordo" over the weekend, so I suppose that's his nickname

- Speaking of the NFL, former WSU QB Luke Falk got some playing time in the Jets MNF game, but Lucas Falk was the week's real breakout star...

There's... so much more.

- Speaking of Lukey, I'll let Gordo bring it home

Stanzi lovers should find some real common ground there. Seriously, this dude is a walking quote.

Nothing quite like the gratification of not being actually sorry.

Wrapping It Up...

Virginia Tech won the battle...

...Furman won the war.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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