The Hybrid: Dear Bobby

By Bobby Loesch on October 24, 2019 at 12:00 pm
DEAR BOBBY
DEAR BOBBY
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The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

Already had more than enough for this week but decided to blast this one out in the eleventh hour.

Y'all delivered -- and here we are. Though some find mailbags lazy, I always thought they were cool and would never shy away from doing one. No idea why I haven't tried until literally right now. Twelve years wasted; oh well. Let's get... existential.

Gonna guess Ball State.

(Thank you to all who wrote in via Twitter.) 

/looks up

It's Ball State (3-0).

Dang... uh, maybe we can start with baselines? I would say, at the absolute least, make sure you are super hydrated and getting an adequate amount of sleep. Oh, steps. Get your steps in on the daily. If you don't like working out, then walk. Also, though I have never been one to define myself by my job... maybe look for a new job? If that doesn't suffice -- or go hand in hand with said hypothetical job -- maybe move to a new city or state? Once all of that is done: dating apps, baby!

Aright, this is some wheelhouse stuff. I was ruminating on this exact topic a few weeks ago:

Thinking on it more, it seems like the real key to this record lies within the aforementioned deep cuts. There really is not a bad song. I was trying to figure out what the worst song was and got genuinely stumped. That, if you're Stephan Jenkins, is how you know you stumbled into something great.

By far the hardest question to answer so far. Though maybe the answer is obvious: you can't pull back, even if you try your hardest?

Would never call a bad trial a blessing, but they are almost certainly formative, deeply important experiences. Leaving jobs or ending relationships that almost always led to better things become retroactive blessings, even though they were horrible in the moment. I would argue the better aftermath is the blessing, but it's the trial which gets you to appreciate the entire story, both good and bad. I think the first time I realized this was after my parents got divorced. I felt a touch insecure in elementary school, but by the time high school rolled around, it was like I was a savvy vet with those life reps complete while many of my classmates had to process it all for the first time at (probably?) a worse age. All of your experiences -- good or bad -- shape you, but you do get some autonomy in how they shape you.

* a

And fuck no.

Though, admittedly, Mark Richt did not tweet this at me... this felt like a good ending. I do plan to be writing the rest of the column this week.

The Hybrid

"Write drunk, edit sober."

Thursday

SMU (16) at Houston:

Friday Night Lights

USC at Colorado: Thanks for staying in the headlines for the right reasons, SC.

Saturday

Wisconsin (13) at Ohio State (3): Sconnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnie. Sconnie, Sconnie, Sconnie. I'm gonna save some of you for the Illinois section, but I will say this: nothing was better than seeing your upset continuously hit the ESPN bottom line, followed by Jonathan Taylor Thomas' now completely meaningless 132 yards and 1 TD line.

Ooooooh, you rushed for 4.7 yards a carry and shot your whole season in the dick -- who gives a shit?

Not this guy.

Or whoever was handling the stadium music.

We can't troll them with their kinda-cool-but-for-sure-dated hip-hop song that they definitely still think is cutting edge. Jonathan Taylor Thomas had 4.7 yards per carry!!!!

Party on, Illinois. As for this game? Whatever. Let the Badgers fuck it all up.

Oklahoma (5) at Kansas State: Had we not gotten existential in the intro, this entire column was going to be centered around the god damn wagon spill. What's hilarious is, like, I've followed college football -- and generally appreciated OU football -- nearly my entire life, and yet, when everyone was like "OMG did the Sooner Schooner really tip over?!" my first thought was "I hope they're all going to be alri--wait, it's seriously called the Sooner Schooner? Of course it is."

So positively college football. But why am I talking? Let's get to the content:

I don't really like the angle this one starts with, because, in my mind, the horses got away.

This is more up to my speed. Great angle, clever caption, doesn't try to do too much. Even the replay analysis by the announcer was light (disguised as faux measured).

OK, that was very terrible. Let's move on.

Iowa (20) at Northwestern: Craig Finn has this lyric about Chicago that I've always loved: "Michigan Avenue, I can still picture you".

If there's a three syllable avenue in Iowa City, I'd love to bite that and apply it to last weekend (damn you, Burlington, for being a Street). It was seriously perfect, y'all. We tailgated in the dental lot outside Carver but genius-ly didn't go to the game because the weather sucked. Instead? Drank more, shot some hoops (including a rousing game of couples knockout + me), hit the casino, got Pancheros right before the late night rush, and then finished on the upstairs outdoor patio at Joe's (that I'm not 100% sure I knew existed).

* * *

Hugging every tall person I know after this. I remember catching that live and thinking "If this were the NFL, that sequence would get GIF'd and meme'd all over the place." But I guess enough people did take notice.

It's weird. This season is lost in many ways but on track in many others, and you certainly wouldn't triple circle this game and call it a MEGA MUST WIN, but, like, it kinda is, isn't it? Like, if we're not fucking around, we'll take it.

In conclusion, Spruceton Buddenhagen.

...

No, that stat -- I said we are ending with SPRUCETON BUDDENHAGEN.

Appalachian State (21) at South Alabama: 

yes i need this to happen to myself

Mississippi State at Texas A&M: Not in the best of moods, so I wasn't, like, going out of my way to enjoy this... but it's still so good.

Illinois at Purdue: College football sucks, but the reason it is still in our lives is because it occasionally bestows us something.

Last weekend, we got more than something.

Because Donny Derangement...

...met Mikey Mania!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111

WHERE ARE MY GOD DAMN FUCKIN' BANNERS

MIKEY AND DONNY DID IT

We have achieved singularity.

Ohio at Ball State: Hey, I hear those Ball State guys are undefeated in MAC play.

Auburn (9) at LSU (2): Game of the Week. It has to be, but, like... Auburn has no chance, right? Remember when people had chances? Remember when football was football?

Penn State (6) at Michigan State: The only thing cool about KJ Hamler killing you is telling everyone in your column he was gonna really kill you before he killed you.

Not that Penn State needed Hamler to rip out Michigan's eyes.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

OK, that's pretty good.

Texas (15) at TCU: Feeling more and more spiritually connected to Texas every day.

Maryland at Minnesota (17): Went on record last week saying I was cool with Minny continuing to win, knowing it would end shitty once they got past this Maryland game. Yet... I'm getting impatient and going against all I preached. End shitty now now now now.

Oklahoma State at Iowa State (23): Iowa State got ranked again?

* * *

Arizona at Stanford: Very much here for this rebrand.

Indiana at Nebraska: Googled "no not at all," and it didn't net anything worth posting... but it probably tells you enough.

South Carolina at Tennessee:

The scoreboard reveal right after his knee hits the turf is so great. Imagine tuning in, with a barely functional brain, and thinking it went the other way before that popping up and bringing you right back to real reality.

Arkansas at Alabama (1): This wasn't Alabama but felt like Alabama.

This was Arkansas and felt like Arkansas.

Also, not looking this up because I want it all to be true.

Boston College at Clemson (4): Clemson Tom is here to... hopefully be happier than me.

You know, I’m really getting tired of whipping everybody’s ass and us dropping in the polls [ed- hahahaha]. If we keep winning, they’re going to drop us out of the Top 25 [ed- you really do hate to see it]. Also, why is everybody bitching about our weak schedule? We can’t help that everyone we play isn’t good. I don’t hear anybody crying about all the weak ass teams Alabama’s playing [ed- truuuu]. Oh, that’s right -- they play in the $EC. That whole SEC conference mumbo-jumbo is outplayed. Do you think anybody is scared to play Mississippi State, Ole Miss, Vanderbilt, Missouri, etc.

I forgot Tennessee even had a football program. [ed- COLD]

Anyways, it’s Homecoming week in Clemson. I’m not really sure what that means except all the hotties that recently graduated are going to be coming back for one last rendezvous. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it. Flights to Clemson this weekend were astronomical, and I didn’t win the lottery. Maybe I should start writing my own weekly review like Bobby; we all know he’s rolling in the money. [ed- not after last week's gambling attempt]

Are we going to beat the brakes off Boston College this weekend? Absolutely. Are they gonna drop us out of the Top 5? Absolutely. At this point, I’m almost accustomed to winning by 20+ points but still dropping. No, those AP voters won't talk about it... because they’re all scared.

Go Tigers. Beat those Yankee Eagles.

Notre Dame (8) at Michigan (19): Michigan football is a--fuck it, let's just do the tweet that gets there quicker.

Yeah, that'll do it. Michigan football is a Fuck You to being alive. Of course they lost last week. Of course they were losing by 14 (covering my PSU -8.5 bet). Of course they got close enough to almost tie but still lost by a putrid 7. Of course. OF COURSE. WHY MUST THINGS WHY. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

* * *

Z.W. Martin is here with your Zybrid:

This is my favorite thing about the college football season. Bobby and I's #TheBet is basically a dumb-off about a dumb sport. I don't recall much of what Bobby has made me do, but I do remember making him dress in a Leprechaun costume in Ann Arbor (he ended up getting a ride from the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile 'cause they felt sorry for him), remove chicken from his diet for 14 weeks (because "it's a nervous bird"), wear pleated khaki pants for 31 straight days, and take the ACT drunk, while I annoyingly had a grand old time five feet away.

Bobby doesn't love #TheBet as much as I do, but I know he wants me to never write for this thing again, so that will probably be his side. He hasn't agreed to my bets yet--either going to BC vs. Notre Dame game to truly IMMERSE Bobby in the Catholic football lyfe--or wear this to formal events over the next year. Knowing Bobby, it will be something else. But, Bob, you in?

After getting Z.W. to agree not to write in this column for the rest of the year if Michigan loses, we cannot agree on my side of the bet for ND Nation. I offered to attend a Catholic mass, drunkenly attend a Catholic mass, give him full control of this column for a week, but none of those were gonna fly.

UPDATE: We came to terms. If Notre Dame wins, I have to watch a College Footabll 150 about the Irish, with him, and write 300 words about it. Ugh.

Might still be better than 31 days of this:

Bobby Khaki

Colorado State at Fresno State: Reason 78,403 Billion Why I Would Never Play Defense.

What is to be gained? Tell me for real.

Missouri at Kentucky:

California at Utah (12): Mehhhhhfuckyou.

Utah State at Air Force: When cool plays make you feel nearly nothing, you know it's about time to go.

Wrapping It Up...

We'll never not be.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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