The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate
Already had more than enough for this week but decided to blast this one out in the eleventh hour.
Gonna drink and write the Hybrid; please send all (existential) questions over in the next 95 minutes.— Bobby L. (@bobbystompy) October 24, 2019
Y'all delivered -- and here we are. Though some find mailbags lazy, I always thought they were cool and would never shy away from doing one. No idea why I haven't tried until literally right now. Twelve years wasted; oh well. Let's get... existential.
(Thank you to all who wrote in via Twitter.)
Whos the only undefeated team in MACtion Conf?— Tracy Cunningham (@tracun24) October 24, 2019
It's Ball State (3-0).
How do I fix my life?— Jessica (@Firekissed88) October 24, 2019
Dang... uh, maybe we can start with baselines? I would say, at the absolute least, make sure you are super hydrated and getting an adequate amount of sleep. Oh, steps. Get your steps in on the daily. If you don't like working out, then walk. Also, though I have never been one to define myself by my job... maybe look for a new job? If that doesn't suffice -- or go hand in hand with said hypothetical job -- maybe move to a new city or state? Once all of that is done: dating apps, baby!
Is Third Eye Blinds Self Titled album the perfect album?— Pollyanna Brewing (@PollyannaBrewCo) October 24, 2019
Aright, this is some wheelhouse stuff. I was ruminating on this exact topic a few weeks ago:
How close is this to being a perfect album -- or is it? Monster singles, signature certified forever banger, huge arsenal of deep cuts, clever lyrics that aged decently at worst, and effectively creative musicianship (especially factoring in this era of so many bad rock bands). pic.twitter.com/U35T4gvK8G— Bobby L. (@bobbystompy) October 3, 2019
Thinking on it more, it seems like the real key to this record lies within the aforementioned deep cuts. There really is not a bad song. I was trying to figure out what the worst song was and got genuinely stumped. That, if you're Stephan Jenkins, is how you know you stumbled into something great.
How do I know when Im standing on the precipice screaming into the void that I havent already fallen into it?— EC-10 Condemned (@pjcookland) October 24, 2019
By far the hardest question to answer so far. Though maybe the answer is obvious: you can't pull back, even if you try your hardest?
I vote that its excellent, but the fact that the third eye is.....well blind means something.....— Steve Cardamone (@SteveCaritas) October 24, 2019
Question: are our trials actually our biggest Blessings?
Would never call a bad trial a blessing, but they are almost certainly formative, deeply important experiences. Leaving jobs or ending relationships that almost always led to better things become retroactive blessings, even though they were horrible in the moment. I would argue the better aftermath is the blessing, but it's the trial which gets you to appreciate the entire story, both good and bad. I think the first time I realized this was after my parents got divorced. I felt a touch insecure in elementary school, but by the time high school rolled around, it was like I was a savvy vet with those life reps complete while many of my classmates had to process it all for the first time at (probably?) a worse age. All of your experiences -- good or bad -- shape you, but you do get some autonomy in how they shape you.
Is Joe Flacco an elite quarterback?— Matt Kelly (@matthewokelly) October 24, 2019
And fuck no.
I am assuming word travels fast. So I wanted to be able to inform everyone that I did have a heart attack this morning. I am doing fine. As I went through the experience I had peace knowing I was going to heaven but I was going to miss my wife. I plan to be at work this week.— Mark Richt (@MarkRicht) October 21, 2019
Though, admittedly, Mark Richt did not tweet this at me... this felt like a good ending. I do plan to be writing the rest of the column this week.
"Write drunk, edit sober."
SMU (16) at Houston:
USC at Colorado: Thanks for staying in the headlines for the right reasons, SC.
USCs turnover sword adds a football for each turnover. pic.twitter.com/XEljcQIwwR— Bryan Fischer (@BryanDFischer) October 20, 2019
Wisconsin (13) at Ohio State (3): Sconnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnie. Sconnie, Sconnie, Sconnie. I'm gonna save some of you for the Illinois section, but I will say this: nothing was better than seeing your upset continuously hit the ESPN bottom line, followed by Jonathan Taylor Thomas' now completely meaningless 132 yards and 1 TD line.
Ooooooh, you rushed for 4.7 yards a carry and shot your whole season in the dick -- who gives a shit?
Not this guy.
the color guy is GONE https://t.co/qduOphRO3x— BUM CHILLUPS (@edsbs) October 20, 2019
Or whoever was handling the stadium music.
We can't troll them with their kinda-cool-but-for-sure-dated hip-hop song that they definitely still think is cutting edge. Jonathan Taylor Thomas had 4.7 yards per carry!!!!
Party on, Illinois. As for this game? Whatever. Let the Badgers fuck it all up.
Oklahoma (5) at Kansas State: Had we not gotten existential in the intro, this entire column was going to be centered around the god damn wagon spill. What's hilarious is, like, I've followed college football -- and generally appreciated OU football -- nearly my entire life, and yet, when everyone was like "OMG did the Sooner Schooner really tip over?!" my first thought was "I hope they're all going to be alri--wait, it's seriously called the Sooner Schooner? Of course it is."
So positively college football. But why am I talking? Let's get to the content:
I don't really like the angle this one starts with, because, in my mind, the horses got away.
Oregon Trail (1985) pic.twitter.com/iSAvwvY8fb— Zach Harper (@talkhoops) October 19, 2019
This is more up to my speed. Great angle, clever caption, doesn't try to do too much. Even the replay analysis by the announcer was light (disguised as faux measured).
Oklahoma Sooner Schooner crash Gladiator remix pic.twitter.com/ckUKa3EXMO— Josiah Johnson (@KingJosiah54) October 19, 2019
OK, that was very terrible. Let's move on.
Iowa (20) at Northwestern: Craig Finn has this lyric about Chicago that I've always loved: "Michigan Avenue, I can still picture you".
If there's a three syllable avenue in Iowa City, I'd love to bite that and apply it to last weekend (damn you, Burlington, for being a Street). It was seriously perfect, y'all. We tailgated in the dental lot outside Carver but genius-ly didn't go to the game because the weather sucked. Instead? Drank more, shot some hoops (including a rousing game of couples knockout + me), hit the casino, got Pancheros right before the late night rush, and then finished on the upstairs outdoor patio at Joe's (that I'm not 100% sure I knew existed).
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Sometimes its Rock-Paper-Scissors...other times its just a good ole fashioned Big Guy Hug Big shoutout to Keith Duncan! Guy is pure money! pic.twitter.com/VEG90Hbzc7— Tyler Barnes (@TylerBarnesIOWA) October 20, 2019
Hugging every tall person I know after this. I remember catching that live and thinking "If this were the NFL, that sequence would get GIF'd and meme'd all over the place." But I guess enough people did take notice.
It's weird. This season is lost in many ways but on track in many others, and you certainly wouldn't triple circle this game and call it a MEGA MUST WIN, but, like, it kinda is, isn't it? Like, if we're not fucking around, we'll take it.
In conclusion, Spruceton Buddenhagen.
Nate Stanley leads the Big Ten in passing yards (1,771). #Hawkeyes— David Eickholt (@DEickholt247) October 20, 2019
No, that stat -- I said we are ending with SPRUCETON BUDDENHAGEN.
Appalachian State (21) at South Alabama:
Imagine Michigan finishes strong at 9-3 with a win over ND or OSU. They'd have an okay chance of the at large bid to the NY6.— RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) October 20, 2019
Also imagine that SMU loses a game or 2 against a tough AAC schedule.
There's an outside chance of Appalachian State v. Michigan in the Cotton Bowl.
yes i need this to happen to myself
Mississippi State at Texas A&M: Not in the best of moods, so I wasn't, like, going out of my way to enjoy this... but it's still so good.
Illinois at Purdue: College football sucks, but the reason it is still in our lives is because it occasionally bestows us something.
Last weekend, we got more than something.
Because Donny Derangement...
...met Mikey Mania!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111
WHERE ARE MY GOD DAMN FUCKIN' BANNERS
We have achieved singularity.
Ohio at Ball State: Hey, I hear those Ball State guys are undefeated in MAC play.
Auburn (9) at LSU (2): Game of the Week. It has to be, but, like... Auburn has no chance, right? Remember when people had chances? Remember when football was football?
Penn State (6) at Michigan State: The only thing cool about KJ Hamler killing you is telling everyone in your column he was gonna really kill you before he killed you.
Not that Penn State needed Hamler to rip out Michigan's eyes.
#Michigan QB Shea Patterson got more than he bargained for when he scored the final TD against Penn State, as the Nittany Lions were purposely gouging his eyes out, Jon Runyan Jr. reveals and Patterson confirms.— Isaiah Hole (@isaiahhole) October 23, 2019
More reaction here: https://t.co/c02Gq4NKKI pic.twitter.com/m1HDL8XDnf
Penn state taking their reputation for willful blindness to another level https://t.co/bsy4tGuuLO— raj (@internetraj) October 23, 2019
OK, that's pretty good.
Texas (15) at TCU: Feeling more and more spiritually connected to Texas every day.
Texas fans after beating 2-5 Kansas 50-48 pic.twitter.com/NBBkpIhtyE— (@TacoBeIIGawd) October 20, 2019
Maryland at Minnesota (17): Went on record last week saying I was cool with Minny continuing to win, knowing it would end shitty once they got past this Maryland game. Yet... I'm getting impatient and going against all I preached. End shitty now now now now.
Oklahoma State at Iowa State (23): Iowa State got ranked again?
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Arizona at Stanford: Very much here for this rebrand.
Indiana at Nebraska: Googled "no not at all," and it didn't net anything worth posting... but it probably tells you enough.
South Carolina at Tennessee:
Tennessee ended the game in whatever you call a victory formation but for the losing team pic.twitter.com/zZILww85JV— CFB Gif'er (@CFBgifer) October 20, 2019
The scoreboard reveal right after his knee hits the turf is so great. Imagine tuning in, with a barely functional brain, and thinking it went the other way before that popping up and bringing you right back to real reality.
Arkansas at Alabama (1): This wasn't Alabama but felt like Alabama.
This is VIOLENCE pic.twitter.com/Qy7Lt0Cevn— Barstool Sports (@BarstoolsTweets) October 20, 2019
This was Arkansas and felt like Arkansas.
Colts: we had the worst 4th down attempt ever— CFB Gif'er (@CFBgifer) October 19, 2019
Arkansas: hold my pig pic.twitter.com/UWpAQigrdG
Also, not looking this up because I want it all to be true.
Nick Saban in Land-Grant Trophy games: 2-3— Land-Grant Trophy (@LandGrantTrophy) October 22, 2019
Nick Saban in National Championships: 6-2
Which is the harder trophy to win? pic.twitter.com/4oT5cg34ex
Boston College at Clemson (4): Clemson Tom is here to... hopefully be happier than me.
You know, I’m really getting tired of whipping everybody’s ass and us dropping in the polls [ed- hahahaha]. If we keep winning, they’re going to drop us out of the Top 25 [ed- you really do hate to see it]. Also, why is everybody bitching about our weak schedule? We can’t help that everyone we play isn’t good. I don’t hear anybody crying about all the weak ass teams Alabama’s playing [ed- truuuu]. Oh, that’s right -- they play in the $EC. That whole SEC conference mumbo-jumbo is outplayed. Do you think anybody is scared to play Mississippi State, Ole Miss, Vanderbilt, Missouri, etc.
I forgot Tennessee even had a football program. [ed- COLD]
Anyways, it’s Homecoming week in Clemson. I’m not really sure what that means except all the hotties that recently graduated are going to be coming back for one last rendezvous. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to make it. Flights to Clemson this weekend were astronomical, and I didn’t win the lottery. Maybe I should start writing my own weekly review like Bobby; we all know he’s rolling in the money. [ed- not after last week's gambling attempt]
Are we going to beat the brakes off Boston College this weekend? Absolutely. Are they gonna drop us out of the Top 5? Absolutely. At this point, I’m almost accustomed to winning by 20+ points but still dropping. No, those AP voters won't talk about it... because they’re all scared.
Go Tigers. Beat those Yankee Eagles.
Notre Dame (8) at Michigan (19): Michigan football is a--fuck it, let's just do the tweet that gets there quicker.
Yeah, that'll do it. Michigan football is a Fuck You to being alive. Of course they lost last week. Of course they were losing by 14 (covering my PSU -8.5 bet). Of course they got close enough to almost tie but still lost by a putrid 7. Of course. OF COURSE. WHY MUST THINGS WHY. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
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Z.W. Martin is here with your Zybrid:
This is my favorite thing about the college football season. Bobby and I's #TheBet is basically a dumb-off about a dumb sport. I don't recall much of what Bobby has made me do, but I do remember making him dress in a Leprechaun costume in Ann Arbor (he ended up getting a ride from the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile 'cause they felt sorry for him), remove chicken from his diet for 14 weeks (because "it's a nervous bird"), wear pleated khaki pants for 31 straight days, and take the ACT drunk, while I annoyingly had a grand old time five feet away.
Bobby doesn't love #TheBet as much as I do, but I know he wants me to never write for this thing again, so that will probably be his side. He hasn't agreed to my bets yet--either going to BC vs. Notre Dame game to truly IMMERSE Bobby in the Catholic football lyfe--or wear this to formal events over the next year. Knowing Bobby, it will be something else. But, Bob, you in?
After getting Z.W. to agree not to write in this column for the rest of the year if Michigan loses, we cannot agree on my side of the bet for ND Nation. I offered to attend a Catholic mass, drunkenly attend a Catholic mass, give him full control of this column for a week, but none of those were gonna fly.
UPDATE: We came to terms. If Notre Dame wins, I have to watch a College Footabll 150 about the Irish, with him, and write 300 words about it. Ugh.
Might still be better than 31 days of this:
Colorado State at Fresno State: Reason 78,403 Billion Why I Would Never Play Defense.
Fresno State RB stiff armed a UNLV defender so hard he bounced off the turf pic.twitter.com/PrWksdSnAN— RedditCFB (@RedditCFB) October 19, 2019
What is to be gained? Tell me for real.
Missouri at Kentucky:
California at Utah (12): Mehhhhhfuckyou.
Utah State at Air Force: When cool plays make you feel nearly nothing, you know it's about time to go.
Insane pick by Air Force that ended as a TD pic.twitter.com/uOnmFW78qd— CJ Fogler (@cjzero) October 20, 2019
Wrapping It Up...
We'll never not be.
Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.