Blood Sacrifice To Fix Iowa Offense Goes Awry

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chitownhawkeye's picture

So you're telling us it worked, right?  That's why this is fiction?

Woo hoo, we'll win by eleventy five this weekend!

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RossWB's picture

If you want to read the real story about the Iowa family that found five inches of blood in their basement, here you go!

scratch where it itches's picture

But the fat and blood are some of the best parts!

Pig shit you say? Smells like $7 Billion to me.

Also, fire Gary Barta.

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Fake Lie Dakich That Is Not Real's picture

I knew there was more to the story than the news had reported.

Blogger investigating at its finest!

After spending years being bullied by the big ten, I decided to become the bully and go after Iowa basketball players. I also have no concept of what is real and what is fantasy, as demonstrated by my belief that I could coach.

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cutlassbob's picture

Magnificent work Ross. Love the disclaimers, but really, what Iowa fan hasn't tried using the Necronomicon to fix the offense? There is nothing more terrifying than staring into the void and seeing Iowa's offense staring back at you.

Never let the facts get in the way of a carefully-thought-out bad decision.

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stargate125645's picture

Someone had better alert News 12 Brooklyn.

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therealCatnuts's picture

Quintet = 5, Sextet = 6. Heh. "Sextet".

I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women, and song. The other half I wasted.

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Coromandel Hawk's picture

I was wondering if there was a surprise ending for the sixth pig.

BWR

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therealCatnuts's picture

You and me both!

I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women, and song. The other half I wasted.

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RossWB's picture

no, I just lost track of how many pigs there were

therealCatnuts's picture

You need to count piggies on your toes, everybody knows that. 

I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women, and song. The other half I wasted.

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Costco Card Rammin' Greg Davis's picture

Great, but what did he do to help that imperfect defense? I mean, plenty of blame to go around, right? 

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Give Eddie a Beer's picture

Danzig wants to know if they can get the blood to run *up* the walls. Carl Brutananadilewski doesn't see why not. 

Kirk Ferentz: "The biggest thing I have is the length. It’s going to be boring as can be."

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IowaPharmer's picture

Ozzy also inquired about bat blood being used which would violate patent infringements. 

"I know what I'm suggesting." -therealCatnuts

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therealCatnuts's picture

Such a fun show. Shake is my drunk a-hole alter ego. 

I spent half my life's earnings on wine, women, and song. The other half I wasted.

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BrimstoneBaritoneAntiCycloneRollingStone's picture

I was feeling good at that point, like Iowa might even score three whole touchdowns in the game this weekend

Oh my god that was great! I don't know what's funnier/sadder. The fact that I feel like we need dark arts to score points or the fact that dark arts could still only net us 3 touchdowns.

There is no fucking drummer better than Neil Peart

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HoyaGoon's picture

Hey, Satan is only so powerful, even the Orince of Darkness has his limits, you know.

Just another garbage commenter spreading my *sshole all over the internet.

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HoyaGoon's picture

Well, we know Mr. May's efforts really were unsuccessful, as Iowa was only able to muster two TDs and not the three he was incanting for. Guess he should have gotten that cow

Just another garbage commenter spreading my *sshole all over the internet.

AP