Ohio State 92 - Iowa 81: Check out These Glasses

By Patrick Vint on January 4, 2018 at 9:02 pm
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Have you guys ever heard of TAC Glasses?  They're these super-sweet sunglasses modeled after the glasses worn by our heroes in the military.  Most stupid old sunglasses only make everything darker, which doesn't help you see when you're in a tactical situation, like when Turkish rebels invade North Liberty.  You think you're going to be able to see those Turks with regular stupid old sunglasses?  Hell no.  You need TAC Glasses.

Also, Iowa lost to Ohio State beat Iowa 92-81 at Carver Hawkeye Arena tonight, sending Fran McCaffery's squad to 0-4 in the Big Ten and making a losing season a true likelihood.

But seriously, these TAC Glasses are the bomb.  Like, don't you hate glare?  I'm not talking about some sunshine off a wet road here.  I'm talking about the surface-of-the-gosh-darn-Sun glare, the kind of glare that makes you think you've gone blind.  That pair of Ray Bans isn't doing anything for you in that kind of glare.  But TAC Glasses.  OHHHHH man, TAC Glasses.  TAC Glasses own that kind of glare.  That kind of glare makes TAC Glasses a nice supper and then cleans up after TAC Glasses when they're done.

Oh, and Keita Bates-Diop dropped a season-high 27 on us tonight.  He scored fewer in as many minutes against Northeastern, Miami of Ohio, Appalachian State and Radford.  Because at least Northeastern, Miami of Ohio, Appalachian State and Radford don't play the fourth grade version of a 2-3 zone that Iowa plays, the kind where opponents just wander into gaps, catch uncontested passes and make uncontested shots while the defenders all bicker over who was supposed to have that guy.

Look at this screen.  It's just a white screen, right?  Even if you're wearing Oakleys, it's just a white screen, but check out that screen in the TAC Glasses.

LOOK AT THAT EAGLE YO

That's not a white screen anymore.  That's an American eagle and the stars and stripes.  We just turned a blank screen into freedom, mofos.  It's like one of those Magic Eye pictures.  Only instead of crossing your eyes to see it, you have to buy some TAC Glasses.  You should do that right this second.

You should also consider that Iowa outrebounded Ohio State, had more assists, shot a better percentage from three, was basically even on fouls and turnovers, and that none of that mattered, simply because the Buckeyes were able to shoot 28/46 on two-point attempts.  That's 61 percent against a zone that is supposed to make life difficult inside the three-point arc and 1.26 points per possession, which would be enough to make Ohio State the most efficient offensive team in the nation if they did it every night.

But once you have your TAC Glasses, you may ask: How do I create enough blinding light and an immediate threat to my family, so that I can properly test the capabilities of these glasses?  I'll tell you how: Find a world hotspot, like a coup d'etat or civil war somewhere, fly into the war zone, and break out your LED Lightbar, courtesy of the good folks at Bell & Howell.

There are sixty -- count 'em, SIXTY -- LED lights on a Lightbar.  That's way more than that stupid light you use now.  Let's not forget that, by hanging LED Lightbars all over your house and leaving them on, you'll generate enough light to blind anyone who attempts to invade your home.  That is, unless they're wearing TAC Glasses.  Because Bell & Howell gives, and Bell & Howell takes away.

Let's also not forget that Tyler Cook, the only Hawkeye at the moment who looks like he belongs in a Big Ten basketball game, spent most of the first half and a decent chunk of the second half on the bench due to early foul trouble.  He only finished with three fouls, so sitting him for like half the game didn't end up making much sense, but rules are rules!

Speaking of rules, you know what rules?  Toco car warranty service.  Have you ever had a car problem, like the engine light coming on or the axle falling off the frame?  What would happen if your car were to literally catch fire?  You wouldn't be able to go to work while firemen fixed your car, and you'd probably lose your job!  Do you go to bed at night worried that you'll lose your job because of car trouble?  Then stop worrying and start sleeping, because Toco car warranties are here to save you.  

Deductibles apply.  Not available in all states, or to fix your team's horrendous defense.

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