The Eternal Pessimist: Minnesota

By Patrick Vint on October 4, 2018 at 1:02 pm
Floyd

© Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

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Sometimes, even an eternal pessimist can't find reason for it.

  1. Action speak louder than words.  Minnesota might say it hates Iowa, but remember when we took down their goalposts?
     
  2. Remember when Iowa debased the Metrodome in its last night of Gopher-related existence?  Remember when Hayden put on the overalls?  Remember when Minnesota had too many men on the field and Hayden was accosted by Jesse Ventura?  Those all happened in Minneapolis (or, at least in the Hayden story, at least kinda happened).
     
  3. So yes, they say that they hate Iowa.  They say it during a loss to Michigan State.
     

    They say it during a near-loss against Fresno State. 

    They say it all the time.  It's an organizing principle.
     

  4. But Minnesota sure has a funny way of showing that hatred, namely by losing 25 of the last 36 played against Iowa since the Overalls Game in 1982.  Minnesota hasn't won in Iowa City since 1999.  They haven't won against an Iowa team that did anything of consequence since 1984.  They sprung an upset or two -- the 2010 and 2011 Iowa losses at their new stadium, against teams that went a combined 4-18 against opponents not named Iowa, remain a particularly sore memory -- but no Hawkeye rival has been quite so accommodating during the Ferentz era.
     
  5. So maybe it's all just a chant, and maybe it doesn't actually mean anything hateful.  Or maybe it's just waiting to boil over into an all-out inferno, with hate-filled Zombie Gophers appearing in the stands and running onto the field, a World War Z of football right there in Minneapolis, like Iowa fans taking down the goalposts only, instead of goalposts, the Zombie Gophers are taking down actual people.  And two years from now, The Hold Steady will write a song about it with a reference to Edina High and the Mississippi River and probably P.J. Fleck, who will have grabbed Floyd of Rosedale and rowed a boat across the river and into Mall of America just to avoid the zombies that he had so carelessly unleashed.  Maybe they will have to wall off Minneapolis to keep the zombies from getting out and running rampant through all ten thousand lakes.
     
  6. Because Zombie Apocalypse is just about the only way Iowa is losing this game.
PESSIMISM RATING: LIKE MAYBE ONE-THIRD OF A HALF-EMPTY GLASS OUT OF FIVE HALF-EMPTY GLASSES, BECAUSE YOU MIGHT HATE IOWA, BUT IOWA DOESN'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THAT
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