The Hybrid: I Wish College Football Didn't Exist

By Bobby Loesch on December 5, 2019 at 12:43 pm @bobbystompy
O-H-FUCK-YOU
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The Hybrid is a weekly Big Ten football preview, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate

I hate college football, and I hate all of you.

The never coming back part holds too, of course, until it definitely doesn't. This sport is the worst.

THEE WORST.

* * *

I just missed my column deadline for the first time since writing for Go Iowa Awesome/BHGP (to the OG's out there), so this intro ends now. The top part was written organically and pre-deadline, and I stand by it all.

The Hybrid

“A cold body carries a warm heart.”

Friday Night Lights

Utah (5) vs. Oregon (13): Go Utah. For real -- the Playoff needs this.

Saturday

Baylor (7) vs. Oklahoma (6): Run it back, baybeeee. The game will start with 0-0 on the scoreboard but with the Baylor Bears trailing significantly in swag.

He probably misses Alabama tons and tons.

Michigan football, why:

In his Michigan-Ohio State recap, titled "An Obligation", MGoBlog's Brian Cook, a person I agree with about 99.99% of the time, turned M's loss to tOSU into a "Justin Fields takes online classes" issue. It raised an interesting point but made me cringe throughout.

Those are for people for whom the diploma they receive might actually mean something at some point. For an Ohio State quarterback? If Fields even does any of his own work, spelling his name will suffice to pass. I don't have many illusions about the academic standards placed on Michigan players, but I'm dead certain they actually show up on campus because I know many people who have taught or been in classes with Michigan football players. So you wonder at which point the dubious nature of college football becomes outright fraud.

"How far is too far?" is not a question that's ever troubled anyone at Ohio State. The NCAA is a joke to be exploited. Classes are a joke to be avoided. Anything not related to beating Michigan is a joke.

And, okay, you win. Whatever. Good one.

I reached out to a media source, who said it sounded like sour grapes. One might even call it "Notre Dame shit." I present the counterpoint:

Yeah, I think this is more up to my speed. It blows my fucking mind they can't get just one. Just one. ONE.

More on Auburn later (obviously), but this really does make it seem like a less hopeless endeavor than most Michigan media would lead you to believe. I mean, if 55-24 or Rondale couldn't give the rest of the Big Ten hope as it pertained to beating tOSU, what could?

I don't know, dog -- can't they, though? Just fucking once? You had the No. 1 QB recruit in the nation throwing to NFL guys. You're not, like, the Bad News Bears.

* * *

In conclusion, BoHarb will erase all goodwill instantaneously.

Auburn football, when: 

They have some fun though, don't they?

Still waiting on my wine memes.

Can we dress that up?

Hot damn.

Gus remains in the lab.

Such a perfect foil. I used to think he was a genius, but these days, he's more like a class clown who knows just enough to be dangerous.

Legit conspiracy theories.

Alabama football, how: 

Can't argue with the advanced stats.

Or real news reports.

That'd be nice.

Unless you're still holding on.

Here are some actually real stats.

Even the national media writer doing a narrative thing really made me realize this was not the Tide's game and/or season.

Alabama fans can lament their team’s 13 penalties for 96 yards, the final flag sealing the game. Nick Saban described that one as “an unfair play,” citing duplicity by counterpart Gus Malzahn in sending punter Arryn Siposs onto the field as a wide receiver and fooling the Crimson Tide into having 12 men on the field. (If you think a 68-year-old coach declaring “unfair” seems more like something that would come out of the mouth of an 8-year-old, you’re not alone.)

Alabama fans can wonder how their team could twice lose games in which the Tide scored 40 points—scoring 41 and giving up 46 to LSU, then two more than that here to the Tigers. The 46 was the most a Saban-coached Alabama team had ever allowed. That low point lasted three weeks.

[...]

There was some bad injury luck this season—the loss of Tagovailoa late and All-American linebacker Dylan Moses before the season robbed the Tide of its best player on either side of the ball. There were some crazy circumstances Saturday—a 100-yard interception return of a ball that bounces off a guy’s back and perfectly into the hands of a defensive player; a controversial final second of the first half, in which Auburn got off a field goal when the clock probably should have expired.

But football is full of injuries and fluke plays and shaky officiating calls. Those are excuses. This is reality: Alabama has misplaced—if not outright lost—its Saban DNA.

The greatest defensive coach in the history of the sport has seen his team give up 34, 44, 46 and 48 points in its last four games against Top 20 opponents. The first total was to Oklahoma in the playoff semifinals last season, and the second was to Clemson in the final. The other two are this season. To date this Alabama defense is giving up 18.8 points per game, the most since Saban’s first year at the school in 2007.

The most buttoned-up coach of the 21st century has seen his team become increasingly sloppy. Alabama came into this game ranked 116th nationally in penalty yards, a completely unheard-of situation for a Saban-coached Tide team—then it was flagged for a season-high number of infractions and amount of yardage.

And the place-kicking game continues to stink. That’s long been a baffling Alabama affliction, but the Tide were almost always too good to lose because of it. Saturday, it cost them the chance to potentially get the Iron Bowl into overtime.

So, really, that's all the perspective you ne--

This person is not real, but I am willing them into existence.

Iowa/Nebraska: OK, you dealt with my Michigan and Alabama bullshit, so let's have some real fun... on two.

I said on two!

Eek.

Oof.

* * *

Dagger right into the heart.

This seems to get crisper with every re-watch.

Please do not do this, Ross.

Instead, maybe do that.

Less aesthetic but possibly funnier? This play.

And, lastly, our final thesis:

We might have to get this Nebraska fan some guest spots next season.

Georgia (4) vs. LSU (2): The man to watch.

It almost looks animated -- the sequence was that smooth.

Less smooth.

Receipts never hurt.

But back to our Heisman frontrunner -- did we... know Tim Couch still had this record?

Notre Dame, meh: This makes more sense when you discover the colors got distorted, and it's actually blood.

New Apple Cup, same shit:

The cross off is classic Washington. So you do or don't lose to them? Did you cross it out because you occasionally do? Jackassery.

Even in (another) loss, Max backed it up and found the end zone. But he seemed emotionally spent by the end.

Leach chose to get pissy. It wasn't a great look.

/sigh

The rivalry makes me sad. That's all I have.

Oh, also: happy trails, Chris Peterson. He coached Washington, but he was cool as hell.

The high point of his tenure at Boise State involved a team pulling off not one, not two, but three trick plays in the final minute of a game to beat Oklahoma. There is luck in that, but only a team as precise, composed, and utterly trusting in itself could have done one step of that immortal sequence, much less all three. Then they won, and the starting running back proposed to his cheerleader girlfriend on national TV. She said yes. It was all very improbable and very corny in theory, but if you saw it? It worked like nothing else in the sport before or since. It made you, more than anything else, feel something.

That, to me, was the greatest college football game of all-time.

Ole Miss, flush: So much peeing and losing.

Stillframe it.

Alter the logo -- permanently.

Now, title this masterpiece.

Sorry -- masterpeece.

Can we recap one more time?

Good gracious.

All of this is a lot to process -- and I understand that. But it's a damn near tragedy it took so much attention away from a play that can be called "Me Returning Punts".

Just as much of an all-timer as the Piss & Miss, and you can't tell me otherwise.

Virginia (23) vs. Clemson (3): A big storyline going into this season was the realization Dabo was just as bad -- if not worse -- than Saban. Each week, the case gets less and less arguable and more and more airtight.

What is this shit? He might have his squad believing it, which, you know, whatever -- they might not know any better. But is it worth it to be this embarrassing?

/minion whispers in ear.

Ah.. it... is, they say.

* * *

The homie Clemson Tom, for the final time this season:

Well, once again, we’re sitting at the end of the season undefeated. We beat our little brother, the Gamecocks -- six straight! I really hate their fans. Saturday, we play for another ACC championship. Virginia actually beat South Carolina last year in their bowl.

I would envision my Tigers light up the scoreboard as they prepare for yet another trip into the Playoff. I don’t care who we play. Ohio State? They can catch the smoke. LSU? They don’t want any of this either.

I don’t care if you don’t think we haven’t played anybody all year and that we will get beat to shreds in the post-season. Your opinion doesn’t matter when champions spot the ball and decide to hang 40 on your team. None of your thoughts and aspirations matter. The only thing that matters is when we call mercy on our opponent.

When we wear orange britches, the ass kickings happen.

Come get some.

LOL, "None of your thoughts and aspirations matter."

I think I'm gonna visit Clemson next year. Going down to Alabama thrice has given me major insight into how the Haves of college football live (note: better/warmer).

Minnesota football, sure: 

Yes, this is it.

Don't have to worry about that anymore.

For a while.

Michigan State, no:

This reminds me of those Notre Dame fans who semi-ironically celebrated being graduation rate champs after their loss to Stanford.

Indiana, haaaa: Now, Indiana -- that's a team who knows how to win a November Big Ten game in style.

Even the t-shirt-tucked-into-jeans Purdue Boilermakers cooled it up.

Really might need to invest more in this rivalry and not The Game.

Ohio State (1) vs. Wisconsin (8): The only -- ONLY -- good thing about this re-match is seeing if Jonathan Taylor Thomas can top his 2.6 whateverthefuck YPC he had in Wisconsin's last game vs. the Buckeye defense.

Back on planet earth, I roll with J.K. Dobbins. Who is both: a) actually fun to watch, and b) realer.

[UPDATE:

Big Ten only college fantasy football: Ross asked how our final went, which I realized was not mentioned in the first edition of this column. We lost 110-32, and Justin Fields outscored our entire roster. Fitting. Yay.]

Rutgers football, sure: 

It cannot be worse than the last few years.

OK, maybe the geography can.

FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK

Legit, these were Michigan's between the tackle running plays vs. tOSU.

Wrapping It Up...

Fuck college football, RIP Paul Walker, and thank you for another (shitty) season at GIA. The comments and culture here are what make what I do -- or don't do -- very much worth it.

<3

Go Blue forever, go Cougs, and Go Iowa Awesome.

Can't (permanently) fade me.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Go Iowa Awesome. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or email to bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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